Have you ever said something that you shouldn't have? And looking back, you realize that you were acting like a child? You know that you only said what you were saying because you were hurting and you wanted to fix that hurt. So you tried to say something that would make it better, but it didn't. It only made the other person feel worse.
Every day I wake up and think that today the hurt will be gone. I pray hard and seek forgiveness. I pray for the spirit to be in my life. And then I pray that I will not hurt and that I can just be happy.
When I was younger, I could go anywhere with my dad. We would go to the Farm, Milbourn, or Fairview. It didn't matter. I just wanted to go with him. It was always so nice to just talk to him and work with him and realize that life was not that difficult. I haven't been able to do that for a long time and sometimes I just want to take a day off and go with him somewhere.
The most peaceful or healing of all those places was Brasil. There was one night that dad sat me down in their beautiful, immense home and talked to me about my past and concerns and hurts and let me know that he loved me and that I needed to move on. When I was done with traveling and being cooped up in the car, he knew and would stop and let me take some pictures. I loved Brasil. I healed from so many hurts there. And today, I wish more than anything that I could go with dad on a drive and be in Brasil without the worries and heartache of the day.
I'm sorry for saying things I shouldn't and for acting like a child sometimes. I hope that one day I can let go of this hurt and that it won't feel like my chest is going to cave in whenever I see a pregnant woman or talk about babies. Until that happens, I'll try to remember my peaceful place and hopefully soon will be healed from this hurt as well.
I'm so sorry you're going through this hard thing. I had those same feelings during 7 years of infertility. I didn't go to baby showers or to church on Mother's day. It just hurt too much. The hardest time was when my darling little sister (by 6 years) who I absolutely love, got pregnant. I truly was happy for her, but I was so sad wondering if I would ever have a child. I had an amazing priesthood blessing that helped me with my jealousy and hurt. It all worked out in the end. I have two beautiful daughters, they just weren't given to me on my timetable. I guess the point to this ramble is this... I know you can make it through this difficult time in your life. The blessings will come. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteTiffany thank you for your sweet words. I am so glad to know that there are people who understand, even more than I do, the hurt that one can feel. I am so happy for my dear sister, but just talking with her is hard. She is deserving and loving and will be a great mother and I wish that I could be doing this too. I know logically one day it will all work out, but the emotions are a little stronger than the logic. Thanks again for taking the time to share with me, it means so much to me!
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