Dear students...

Hi to all of you -


So, I have recieved so many emails from you and from parents and even from one of the counselors.  From what I am reading in these emails, you are stressed.  Stressed beyond your capacity, even.  So, since I'm not there this seems the best way to get a message to all of you. 

First, stop stressing.  I know that you are so very concerned about this quiz that some of you took today, and some will take tomorrow.  I will be sending an email to Mr. Gamero and letting him know that I will be doing the grading on the quiz.  Even on the homework if he would like me to.  The quiz, half of you already know, only contained information that I had given you while I was there.  I also am giving you ten free points on this quiz.  Also, all of the information that you have discussed with me in emails and everything that you are feeling will be taken into consideration. 

I know this transition has been a difficult one for you.  I never even imagined that I would have to leave school this year.  I tried really hard while lying in my hospital bed to convince the doctors to let me leave.  They wouldn't let me.  Sorry.  My health and the health of the baby were in serious jeopardy.  At this point, even though I miss you all dearly, I can't come back because my baby needs me.  He is so small and has so much growing to do, and he needs me to do it.  Please understand.

In the meantime, you only have a short time left of school this year.  I promise you that I will be involved in your final grades and that I will do what I can to make sure that you (and your grades) are treated fairly.  I will do my best to respond to your emails, concerns and questions, comments on my blog, etc.  It might take me a day or two, but I will respond. 

Just so you know, I'm super proud of my little man.  He's a fighter.  So, you'll have to look at a couple more pictures.  

Leave a comment if you need any help. 

on being a mom

I'm a mother.

I'm a mom.

Sometimes I find myself repeating it over and over again.  At times if feels so unreal.  Like I had something that I lost and yet it is staring me in the face.  Not having Winn home with me is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I hate leaving him alone in the NICU.  I know he isn't alone, but he's not with me.  I wish I could change his clothes and his diapers.  I can't wait to swaddle him and feed him and cuddle him.  I know he is in good hands and that he couldn't survive without the NICU right now.  I still can't wait, though, for him to come home. 

Sometimes I feel such guilt and such sadness over my inability to carry my pregnancy to term.  I see my little man and want so much to keep him safe and protected; the best place for that was in my womb.  I used to get angry at pregnant women because they could get pregnant.  Now when I see them I start to cry.  I wish that I could still be pregnant, because then I know that my little guy would still be growing safe and sound. 

I don't know how I could do any of this without the knowledge of the gospel principles.  I don't know how I could survive without the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and Brother, Jesus Christ.  They have filled my heart with peace when I needed it and comfort during the difficult times.  When I really start to doubt, I know that I can rely on the knowledge that there is plan for all of us.  Winn came when he was supposed to.  I have to hold onto that.  I have to trust that it was his time, because with that knowledge comes the surety that he will be okay. 

Winn is such a fighter.  He is overcoming so much, so fast.  He is teeny tiny and yet he amazes all in the NICU with his abilities and his strength.  He even lifted his head today and looked around to see the different things to see.  I am so proud of him!  I love him so much! 

mother's day

Sunday was my very first mother's day.  Other than crying my way through, it was perfect!  And the tears were tears of gratitude and amazement.  I find that being a mom changes a person.  I have never felt so much love and so much adoration for such a tiny little thing.  I love being a mom!

Winn is still doing so well.  Cory calls him 'winner' and I love it!  He loves to listen to his parents talk.  He becomes so alert and tries to move his head to look toward us.  He is so expressive and surprises me with all of his different faces and looks.  The nurses all adore him and tell me over and over how much they love him.  He still breaths on his own.  He is tolerating his food well and has even tolerated the increase in calories.  They are taking out the umbilical chords tomorrow and he will then only have the feeding tube in his nose. 

Tonight, Cory and I took a small video of Winn while he was waiting to eat.  He loves his feeding time.  He gets pretty grumpy right before he eats and we love to watch how calm he becomes when he realizes that he's getting food.  Hope you enjoy the video.

 

 Here are just a couple of still photos of him as he was getting fed.  I just love looking at his eyes.  I know I am biased, but I just think he is the cutest thing ever.

Thank you all for your prayers and your love.  I sure appreciate all of the support.

random thoughts about Winn

Winn has a whole slew of older cousins who have been asking about him and wondering how he is doing.  I love how much they already love him!  He has one older cousin who has experienced some of what he is experiencing.  Emily was born with Digeorge syndrom and some heart defects.  In her short 2 years of life, she has undergone three heart surgeries and has spent far too much time in the NICU.  My opinion on the matter is that Emily and Winn were best of friends in Heaven before coming to our family.  I think Emily told Winn that everything would be alright.  I even think she taught him how to be a fighter.  They both have exceeded all expectations and they both have come out on top.  I am so glad that Winn has Emily to look up to.

Last night, Winn was really alert and active.  We both were able to hold him again and participate in his daily rituals.  His nurse last night couldn't get over how expressive our little guy is.  He showed so much emotion in his facial expressions.  I couldn't get over how cute he is.  He's fuzzy.  He's jaundiced.  He's tiny.  But man is he cute!!!  I could hold him for hours and cuddle him forever. 

Finally, one of the nurses offered to take a picture of all three of us.  We haven't done that yet and it was nice to see all three of us together in one group. I look forward to many more of these to come.

1st night home

Last night was harder than I had anticipated.  I was ready to be home.  I missed my puppy.  I missed my bed.  Mostly I missed sleeping well.  But when all was said and done, I felt like most of me was missing.  I crawled into bed and after saying prayers with Cory, I burst into tears.   I wanted to be with little Winn.  I didn't want him to be in the hospital without us.  I wanted to know that he was being taken care of and that he was okay.  I felt a piece of my heart was broken.  At the same time, I am so very grateful that he is where he is, because I know that he is getting the best care ever.  He is watched over and fed, loved and kept warm.  And mostly, he is growing and developing like he should.

Every time we talk with one of the doctors or nurses, they exclaim over our little Winn.  He is such an amazing baby!!  He never fusses, he isn't sick, he tolerates my milk beautifully, he breathes on his own, and he does everything he is supposed to do.  They keep us informed of what could happen and any possible dangers that he might encounter.  Over the next little while, he has an increased chance of getting an infection, especially as they continue to increase his milk amount.  They also try to keep the lines clean that are attached to his umbilical chord, but there is also a risk of infection there. 

They talked with us today about the possibility of putting in a pic line, which would allow him to get his needs met without pricking him over and over again.  But if he can make it six more days with the line in his umbilical chord, we might be able to bypass the pic line altogether.  It's all up to him.  How he moves, how he sleeps, whether or not it gets pulled to hard, etc.  But here's hoping it will last a few days more.

Today for our visit they allowed both Cory and I to hold little Winn.  Although it was a bit uncomfortable at first, we had our shirts off and held him skin to skin.  This is especially important for these little preemies, as they need as much heat as possible to keep them warm.  There has never been anything so peaceful in my life as holding my little one as close to me as possible and letting him know I'm going to care for him for always.  He laid there in our arms content and warm for over an hour.  It brought me such overwhelming happiness.

They also had me change his diaper and take his temperature.  It might not seem like a lot, but when he is smaller than your favorite cafe rio burrito, it really makes the daily 'chores' of life exciting and fun.  We get to go back tonight again and hopefully have the chance again to help with his diaper and such and to hold him.  We only get to hold him twice a day, so we have to take advantage.

Thank you, God, for sending me this beautiful spirit and for giving me the chance to be his mom.

my cup runneth oer

This morning marks a week that I have been in the hospital.  I've never spent such a prolonged amount of time being watched and studied and cared for.  Needless to say, it has been an emotional week.  My emotions are so on the surface as changes have taken place and we have begun a new journey.  Just to chronical a bit of what has happened, I'll do a bit of a play by play. 

Last Wednesday, I had a routine check-up with a perinatologist to assertain the severity of the placenta previa as well as my high blood pressure.  When she did the ultra sound, everything looked good and baby Winn was healthy and strong.  She took one look at my blood pressure and they admitted me to the hospital for overnight observation.  They didn't want to risk me having pre-eclampsia. 

Thursday, the doctor came in and informed me that my protein levels were so high, that I wouldn't be going home.  I would probably be looking at a hospital stay the length of the pregnancy.  That was still two months down the road.  I was shocked to say the least.  I am not much of one for sitting around and doing nothing.  I couldn't even imagine sitting in a hospital bed the entire length of the pregnancy.  But, I was willing to do it.  I wanted to make sure that Winn had every possible chance at a long, healthy stay in the womb so that he could develop. 

They did diagnose me as having severe pre-eclampsia.  It wouldn't go away until after the baby was born.  It would only cause my health to decline and eventually, they would have to take the baby early to avoid any serious complications to my health or that of the baby.  By Saturday, things looked good.  The pre-eclampsia hadn't begun affecting my other organs and Winn seemed to be doing well.  I had a bit of a discouraging day that day and felt that something was off.  I wasn't well physically and felt that things just kept getting worse.  I asked the nurses so many questions that I felt like they were ready to be rid of me.  But no news is always good news, right?!?

Sunday, I had a number of visitors which was such a blessing.  I had been feeling so yucky and so scared and it was nice to have the support and the distraction from the current situation.  Cory had been with me all day and I was so grateful for his love and kindness through everything.  I sent him home around 7:00 or so, because the dog needed some love and attention too.

The nurses kept coming in that night because Winn was having a hard time keeping his heart rate up.  I was so scared and so worried about my baby.  By 2:30 or 3:00, there were five nurses in my room all trying to keep baby Winn healthy.  Within minutes, we were being wheeled down to the OR and I was trying to call Cory to come ASAP.  I was crying.  Cory told me he got there just as they were wheeling the baby to the NICU.  I was glad that he made it in time to go with him.  Winn was only 2.5 pounds and was as tiny as could be.  I didn't get to see him until the next day.

When I did see him for the first time, I was amazed at how little he was.  I knew that he needed to be in my womb still growing and developing, and yet my body had failed and hadn't provided him a safe environment.  What a miraculous day we live in to be able to have the advances of modern medicine to keep him and me alive.  He is a fighter and has been doing so well on his own.  His team of doctors and nurses are so pleased with his growth and strength. 

The best day of my life was when they allowed me to hold him.  We don't get to do that very often, as it is too hard for him to maintain his body heat, and we can't allow him to lose weight due to loss of heat.  But when I felt his little body next to my heart, I think my soul melted and I fell under his control.  I love this little boy so much!  I would do anything in the world to save him and to care for him.  It was the hardest thing in the world having to let him go and be placed back under his warm lights. 

We still have a long journey ahead of us.  Winn will be here in the NICU for at least 2 months.  He will need so much support and care and help as he tries to develop fully outside of the womb.  I will try to do my best about keeping those of you who read this updated and informed of is journey and our recovery together.  Thank you all for your love and kindness.  The prayers have been felt and the kindness shown has been humbling.  I love you all dearly and again thank you for all that you have said and done in support of my my little Winn.