Gee it seems like it's been forever since I have written. Mostly I just haven't known where to even begin, so I don't write. But today, I need to write some things down so that maybe I can let my mind rest for a little while.
This is my seventh year teaching. Not just teaching but teaching at Alta High School in Sandy. This school is where I have "grown up" professionally. I have learned more about myself and others during these last 7 years than I would have guessed. I have come to love these kids as if they were my own.
This year, however, my dreams have come true. Not professional dreams. Personal dreams. I am expecting our first child. I have planned and hoped for this moment for so many years. In many ways it still feels very surreal. I can't even imagine having this little one and yet I can't imagine not having this little one.
Expecting a child changes your whole outlook on life. I have been fighting for and arguing with the principal for months now trying to get him to let me go part-time. He wasn't willing to let it happen. In fact, he had me scheduled for more than full-time. I finally told him I would give him one more year full-time, but that I wouldn't teach the extra class. At that point, he told me I could go part-time. I was thrilled! Unfortunately, it was short lived. He approached me a week later and informed me that I would be teaching a class outside of my area of expertise. A class they reserve for teachers who don't really teach. A class that is hated and despised by all students.
I'm so torn and feel almost guilty for feeling so angry about this change. They did let me go part-time. They gave me what I asked for - but they didn't at the same time. I feel like I am being punished. All because I want to spend as much time with my baby as possible. And yet I can't quit, because we need the insurance.
My sisters all wish they could stay home with their kids too. They want to be the mom that makes their meals and stays caught up on laundry and goes to the park and all that fun stuff. None of them can at this point in their lives. They have to work. But sometimes I get a bit jealous of them because they get to take their little ones to work with them. Working at the family business may not be perfect, but it does allow for more freedom than my job. I think sometimes I should just work at the family business too. They can't afford me.
My mind has been going over all the other things that I would be willing or even want to do. I have always wanted to learn how to do hair. I could do that and then make money and work out of my home. I could go on for a doctorate and become an administrator. I would be a great secretary. I've even thought about getting a part-time job at costco because I hear they have great benefits. I just don't know what direction to take. One thing I do know, though, is that I am miserable about teaching next year. So miserable, in fact, that I told Cory I would even move to Ferron if it meant that I could stay home. For those who know me well enough, that is HUGE!!!
I know that it will all work out. I say my prayers every day and have faith that Heavenly Father will show me the right path. I will do what I have to do. But my heart is torn. 7 years of teaching something I love and they just take it from me. It's just wrong.
