some thoughts...

Tonight I feel the need to write in my journal. However, I don't really have a great journal, so I decided to write it on my blog. Interesting, that I would be okay with that knowing that it is available for all to read. It feels ok, because I don't actually have that many that read, and so those that do, please forgive me for being so personal.

I have been a bit emotional lately, and I am unsure as to why. But tonight, it has come to the surface once again. And so, I sit on my bed, typing this post while listening to my new favorite song. It's called Virtue, by Jenny Phillips. It speaks amazing peace to my soul. "I didn't come to earth to compromise, I came here to hold up my light. No matter matter what the world may do, I'm a daughter of God, and I'm holding on, to virtue."

I feel once again that I am on the verge of a breakdown when it comes to my ability to love me. There is a teacher that I work with that I think is absolutely beautiful! She radiates happiness and confidence. She looks classy and chic all at the same time. She accomplishes so much in her life and I admire her greatly! She is also very overweight. And I have never once thought negatively about her. So what makes it ok for me to be so negative about myself?

When did I buy into the idea that I was less than the world because I am a size 12? And sometimes a size 14. When did I decide that I wasn't worth buying cute clothes because I had gained some weight? When did I begin to think that it was okay for me to say mean things to myself that i would never say to anyone else? I can't seem to figure myself out.

"Because I am His daughter, I want my devotion to Him to be what they see. I don't need the attention of immodesty. I am confident in my divinity" That is what she sings. How do I find my confidence in my divinity? I don't really know, except to just keep praying. Keep listening to the Lord and the following the Spirit. I know that one day it will come. I know that one day, I will be at peace with myself.

"I am trusting in my Father, to magnify the beauty He has placed in me. I am confident in my divinity."

And my goal, friends, is to not only recognize that divinity and beauty, but to embrace it and stop abusing myself mentally and emotionally.

Thanks for listening.

Parent Teacher Conferences

There aren't very many reasons that I like PT conferences. You have to talk way tooo much! Plus, there are only so many nice things you can think of to say about high school students.

-Your son is very enthusiastic. or I might really be thinking, does he have to bounce off the walls so much?

-I think that your daughter is so cute. or man she is soo high maintenance!

-You look just like your daughter. maybe you should dress like an adult.

Life as a teacher can be oh so difficult. happy thoughts, though.

This picture is just a small view of what I am looking at. Enjoy!

Tears?!?

Have you ever cried for no good reason?

Today I cried when I listened to the song "virtue", sung by Jenny Phillips.

Then I cried when I read Noelle's blog about her stomach and Criminal Minds and such..

Then I cried when I read Nie's blog about her kiddies not liking it when she leaves.

Then I cried when I thought about how tired I am.

Then I cried when I read Amy's blog about the state fair.

Then I cried when I thought about speaking in church on Sunday.

And writing a paper for next Wednesday.

Then for not taking my dog on enough walks cause I have no time.

Then I cried when I realized that I have no good reason to cry.

These aren't tears coming down my cheeks and landing in puddles. These are tears that well up in my eyes and just hang there for a minute till I force them back in.

I guess it is bound to be a great day! I think it means that I am in need of some serious down time. What do you think? :)

Happy Thursday!

Homeade Bread

When I was a little girl, I used to watch as my mom made bread. She did that often, as she had seven kids and we didn't ever buy bread. Plus, her bread was amazing! Neighborhood kids would come over all the time and eat my moms bread. Right out of the oven, butter and jam....

Yesterday, I decided to make bread. Little sister gave me the day off from cooking for Sunday dinner and so I had some time on my hands.

The smell as the bread filled my house was divine. It took me right back to mom's kitchen.

But the part I loved the most, was when I pulled out the crisco and the pastry brush. As I brushed the tops of the loaves, I was so grateful for a mother that taught me all that she did.

She would let me brush the tops of the loaves when I was younger. And that may not seem like much, but to me it was. Maybe that was her favorite part too, and she was letting me do it.

All in all, it certainly gave me a great desire to make bread on my own. To learn to cook as well as my mother. And can I just say that I love baking!

Thanks Mom! You're the best there is! I love you!

Listen to Gary Allan

The Concert

*sigh*

I love Gary Allan!

I think he is so good looking and cute and tough and well, I just like him.

He sang some of my favorite songs last night. Two of which I always listen to. One was 'Life ain't always beautiful', which isn't really as negative as one might think from the title. And the other was 'No Regrets'.


The last one he wrote about his wife. She suffered from depression and migraines and four years ago committed suicide. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for him to sing the song to a group of strangers. But I was sure glad he did.

He also made me realize that I really like certain men with tattoos. Not that all men should have a tattoo and I think women look silly with them. However, he looks good with tattoos and if I weren't opposed to them, I would have Cory get one, so he could look good with a tattoo also. ;)

For the next week or so, I am going to have a playlist of Gary Allan on my blog so that I can force you to listen to his music. But I promise to only put the songs on that I like.

All in all great night! I was in bed by 12:30 and up at 5:00. I'll be taking a nap today! Have a good one.

students

Gary Allan - Tough Little Boys

This is Gary Allan.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me! I get to go to his concert.

I have been in love with this guys songs since college.

And sometimes, his profile looks just like Cory.

I'm am super excited!

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

YAY!!!!!

This is my sister Heather and her three little girls. They are mostly cute, but can be little trouble makers at times. Especially the middle one. In fact, her nickname is trouble.

I was fortunate to live with Heather and her little ones for almost two year while my parents were in Brazil. I learned from her what it meant to be a mother (as best as someone can do that without understanding what it means to be a mother). I loved her little ones more and more. And she was the one who made me want to be a mother. I have watched as she loved and struggled and learned and grew. And I mostly wanted to feel that love that a child and mother share. No one knows that love until they have their own children and I wanted to feel that.

Now that I am married, there is nothing that I want more than to be a mother. Sometimes people look at me crazy when I tell them that I am ready, because I have only been married for three months. But it's true. I am ready.

Today Heather was again so good to me as she taught me patience and helped me understand the Lord's timing. Being a mother is not just about me. It is about the Lord. It is about making sure that I am ready to help in creating this new life. I began to cry as we talked, because I knew that I needed to pray and let my Heavenly Father know that I was grateful for the chance to be a mother and for the lessons He was teaching me to prepare me for the right time.

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the gospel and that I have a loving Heavenly Father who is so willing to teach me and to love me.

Thank you Heather for helping me understand more fully.

Remember him? He's cute huh?

I'm mad at him.

He wakes up every morning around 4:00 and begins running across my bed, jumps off and barks as he runs down the hall to get "the big bad whatever" that is outside and none of the world can hear but him.

I have to get up at 5:00 and that last hour is extremely crucial.

Really, it is!

And what really gets me is that he thinks he can just cuddle up to me after all that.

The nerve!

Maybe by tonight I will be able to forgive him. We'll see, my sleep is very important and the anger runs deep. :)

Silly Puppy!