Christmas is my favorite time of the year. This is my first year married and I am enjoying starting new traditions and being with my dear, sweet husband.

The part that I love the most about Christmas is the feeling that permeates the world. I remember one Christmas, in Panama, when I was really struggling with finding that Spirit. There was no family, no snow, no friends and I was terribly homesick. I went to the store, and with a little imagination, I bought some things to help me create Christmas.

I came home with red and green tissue paper and a box of blinking Christmas lights. I crumbled the paper into little balls and taped them on the wall in the shape of a green tree and red ornaments, with the lights blinking behind.

I didn't need any more. Somehow those lights and the silly paper reminded me of the real meaning of Christmas. I was able to sit with just those lights on and remember my family and what they had taught me about Christmas. It wasn't about me. It wasn't about gifts. It was all about serving and loving those around you.

I remembered all the years that we had a smaller Christmas so that we could give Christmas to those that we knew wouldn't get anything. Christmas was a feeling, a feeling of love.

And all it took was looking at those lights to remember that. And now, my favorite thing to do during the Christmas season is to turn all the lights out, turn on the Christmas tree lights and ponder. And there is so much to ponder this wonderful time of year.

I pray that each of you are able to find your own time to ponder. That you can find that sweet spirit that comes with the Christmas season.

xoxo

Can I just tell you how much I love my husband? He is so good to me. And so patient. And so kind. And so sweet. And so gentle. And so calm. And I love him so much today.

Not that I don't love him every day, but today my heart is just full. He is selfless and woke up early to help me jump start my dead car. Then he said, your tire is flat too, take my truck. The truck that was all warm and defrosted. The truck that isn't a stick. And he never complains or gripes. He just goes with what is thrown at him.

I wish all could be as lucky as me.

Never Alone

This song explains how I am feeling right now. There are moments when I feel so empty. There are moments when I feel like it'll all be okay. And there are moments when I feel angry and hurt. Heather tells me that it's okay to feel this way. So does mom. They have been my support and my strength. But there are still moments when I just know that it won't be okay and I'll cry the rest of my life. I know that isn't the case, but it feels that way.

My sister announced that she was pregnant. And did you know that I am SOOOO excited for her? She will be an amazing mother. She is kind and patient and good. She is wise and strong. She has an amazing testimony of the Savior. And I sure love her.

Everytime I read her blog, I cry. When I think about her having a healthy baby I cry. When I think that I am supposed to be pregnant too, I cry.

I don't understand life. I don't understand the purpose to all that I am going through. But as the song talks about, it's okay as long as the Savior is there with me. And for that knowledge I am most grateful! I love my Savior so very much. I love knowing that he understands and that he can heal my hurt. And one day, that healing will come.

my story...

I have been waiting for weeks to tell everyone that I was pregnant. I was so super excited, but figured it was safer to wait until I had my doctors appointment, and the chances of miscarriage were lower. But boy was it hard not to tell everyone. I had been waiting for what seemed like forever to be able to be a mother. But, I was teaching myself patience.

The pregnancy was hard for me, but in different ways than a normal pregnancy. I was in constant pain. Not a harsh, impossible pain. But a small, consistent pain in my lower abdomen. I was worried that something wasn't right. I asked Heather and Mom questions all the time. Trying to convince myself that this was what Heather and experienced and that it was all okay.

Thursday night I called Heather in tears. I was exhausted and tired of pain and wondered what I could take. I had been spotting a bit and worried that I had lost the baby. Heather was good to me. She convinced me to calm down, take a bath, take a Tylenol, and do another pregnancy test. I did all the things she told me to. The pregnancy test came back positive, I took the Tylenol and tried really hard to relax.

The next day at school, I was almost done with the day, when I realized that I was bleeding. A lot. I called in a panic and asked Heather what to do. I left school and came home and showered and lost it. I knew that I had lost the baby. I called Heather again, poor thing, and she told me that she would call our doctor (we go to the same doctor that delivered us). He told her it might still be okay and that I should go in on Monday.

Monday, they informed me that they needed to do some blood tests, to decide what was happening with the pregnancy. I cried all the way to the hospital. I cried all the way home. I cried all night, except when I gave in and ate ice cream. Then I cried some more. It was a rough night.

I had to leave school early again the next day, cause the doctor wanted to see me. He informed me that I was experiencing a molar pregnancy. Simply stated, this is a tumor growing in place of a fetus. It doesn't have to be dangerous, but if left untreated can be. It can spread to my other organs and if that happens, it would require chemotherapy.

Fortunately, they caught this early and by Wednesday, I was in surgery. It wasn't a difficult procedure, many women do this. But when I woke up, the reality hit that I wasn't pregnant, that I wasn't going to have a baby and that it would be months before I could start trying again. I wanted to cry, but didn't want the nurses to worry.

The rest of the day was spent with Becca. Sweet, lovely Becca that took such good care of me. I sat on her amazing couches, covered in a soft cuddly blanket, with a space heater blowing on me, watching all the old Star Wars movies. Oh, and sleeping three times throughout.

Today, I feel better than I did when I was pregnant. The constant pain is gone. The heaviness is gone. The worry is gone. I know that God is in charge. I know that there is a purpose to all of this. I don't know what that purpose is, but I trust Him. I trust that I will one day have kids. I have been blessed with an amazing family that loves and supports me. I have been blessed with sisters that are my best friends and that I couldn't live without. I have been blessed with a husband that is sweet and kind and that treats me with tenderness and kindness. I have been blessed with a dad and brothers who are willing to give me a blessing when my husband wasn't at home. But mostly, I have been blessed with the knowledge of my Savior who helps me carry the burden and pain of this situation. I couldn't do this without Him at my side.

Thanks for all your love and your support. I love you sisters! I love you mom and dad.

Grandma sat us down at the table, and began to teach Heather and I the importance of drinking water without swallowing. We both looked at her like she was crazy.

She took her glass of water in her had, and told us to watch her as she demonstrated. She then proceeded to take a small, very small, sip of water. When she finished, she asked us if we saw her swallow. I was the dumb one and Heather was the smart one. I said yes and Heather said no. Silly me.

The point, that Grandma was trying to make, is that you have to drink such small amounts that people don't notice you swallow. However, it is impossible to drink without swallowing. Grandma tried and tried to get me to understand that you can be a lady. And this was one way to do that.

I sure love that lady!

My dear Grandma

Grandma Lucy passed away on Sunday. I didn't get to say goodbye. And in my heart of hearts, I know that she knows that I love her. But I wish that circumstances had been more forgiving and that I would have had the ability to be at her side.

Grandma wasn't always nice to everyone. Sometimes she said things that were hurtful and mean. I didn't understand that side of my grandma. However, I always knew that she was a wonderfully sweet, giving and wise woman. She and I had a unique relationship. I could talk to her about anything and she would council me and love me and let me know that I could make it through any trial.

When we were little, my sister and I spent quite a bit of time with Grandma. There are so many memories that come to mind. She taught us how to load a dishwasher correctly. She taught us how to make nurses corners on the bed. She taught us how to drink without swallowing. She taught us that it is always best to put butter and jam on your bread. She taught us how to be ladies. I used to think that her house was so magical, almost. It always looked perfect and clean. There were special vases and figurines everywhere. It was as if I was walking into a castle.

Lately, I didn't get to visit my grandma as often as I would have liked. I thought about her all the time. And wondered how she was doing. It seemed as if one thing always led to another and I could never make it to her house. Sometimes, I was jealous of my sister, because her job allowed her to leave when she needed to and visit with grandma.

Grandma and I would often talk when I would drive home from school. Either she would call or I would call and we would discuss our days and any news we had for each other. Sometimes I would cry as I told her my difficulties and trials. Then I would listen as she told me all that I needed to hear.

I know this isn't enough justice to my dear grandma. She deserves so much more than I can write. Again, I know that she wasn't perfect, but she was my grandma. And I will always miss her and love her. I am glad to know that she is with her loved ones and that she no longer has to live in pain and loneliness. And I know that one day I will get to see her again.

I love you Grandma!

Becky Kelley - Where's the Line to See Jesus?

About the Song:

While at the mall a couple of years ago, my then four year old
nephew, Spencer, saw kids lined up to see Santa Claus. Having been taught as
a toddler that Christmas is the holiday that Christians celebrate the birth
of Jesus, he asked his mom, "Where's the line to see Jesus"? My sister
mentioned this to my dad, who immediately became inspired and jotted words
down to a song in just a few minutes. After putting music to the words, and
doing a quick recording at home, he received a great response from friends.
He sent the song off to Nashville without much response, except for a
Christian song writer who suggested adding a bridge at the end of the first
chorus. My dad then asked if I wanted to record the song to see what we
could do with it. I listened to the song, made a few changes to the words to
make it flow better, and we headed to Shock City Studios. It was at the
studio where Chris, owner and producer, rewrote the 2nd verse and part of
the chorus... with goosebumps and emotions high, we were all hopeful and
felt like we had something special. The demo was recorded in just under 2
hours and sent off again to Nashville... still no response. Then 2 weeks
before Christmas last year, my cousins Greg and Robbie decided to do a video
to see what we could accomplish on YouTube. The first day we had 3000 hits
and it soared from there. We received e-mails, phone calls, Facebook
messages from people all over asking for the music, CD's, iTunes,
anything... we had nothin'. After a couple of meetings with Chris following
the amazing response, we got serious. We headed back into the studio this
past spring... this time with guitars, drums, bass, pianos, choirs... the
real deal.... and here we are today. Getting iTunes set up, a website put
together, and loving that thousands upon thousands of Christians have come
together... remembering the true meaning of Christmas. Out of the mouths of
babes come profound truths that many adults can not understand. Hopefully
Spencer's observation will cause people all over to reflect on the love of
Jesus, and that one day we will all stand in line to see Him. We are most
thankful to our Heavenly Father to have this chance to share our music with
you. Merry Christmas everyone.