The other day my husband and I were on our way to costco. We stopped and checked the mail, which I don't do very often, and there was a card. I wondered what it was, but when I looked at the address I just smiled. It was from my mother. I live in Pleasant Grove and she lives in Lindon. I see her almost every day. I talk to her every day. And she loves me enough to send me a card.

This was the sweetest card! Most importantly, she let me know that she was there for me. She knew that I would make it through all of this and that I was strong enough for this trial. She reminded me that we don't have trials that we can't handle. And then she made me cry. She said something like, "we'll go forward with faith".

She said we. I know that I have my mom on my side. I know that she loves me and that she will always listen and be there to support me. Just like she always has. Not all of you know my mom, but she is the most selfless, kind, innocent person that I know. She has always given whatever she had for her family. I love her more than life itself. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I am so blessed to be her daughter. I want her to know that she is my support.

Thanks mom! Thanks for all that you do! I love you!

xoxo
Tiff

Christofori's Dream

Right now I am listening to my favorite song by David Lanz, Christofori's Dream. It takes me to a quiet, special kind of place. A place where there is no hurt, sorrow or sadness. A place that is warm but not hot. A place where there is ocean to look at. A place of serenity.

Today I need that place. I want to be anywhere but here. I want to forget the trials of life and just relish in peace, if only for a few days.

My heart is broken today. I don't know all the why's or how's. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to change. I just know that I am hurting.

I feel alone. Have you ever felt that way. I know that I have family and a husband that love me. And yet I am alone.

So, I am going to cry for just a few minutes, then get ready for the onslaught of students that will walk through my door in a little less than an hour. Best get ready for them.

update...a few days late

Hey all, just wanted to give you a quick update. You have all been so good and kind and supportive. Thanks!

The results came back and as we suspected, I wasn't pregnant. That is a good thing, although I really wish I was and this whole thing would go away. :) So, Monday they called and told me the news and informed me that I would need to go directly to the hospital after school for the Chemo shots. They are a very low dose chemo and we are hoping that there won't be many of them.

They gave me two, one in each hip and can I just say YUCK! They hurt so bad! I felt like a big baby. Then next Monday I get more blood work done to check my HCG levels. IF they are in the negatives, then I won't have to do more chemo shots, unless they go back up again. IF they aren't a negative, then I will have to do more shots until they are down to a negative. As soon as the numbers stay in the negative and they don't rise for a few weeks, then I am in the clear. (I think). Doctors have a way of finding other reasons to see patients.

I wasn't in a good place Monday and most of Tuesday. I was angry and hurting and lightheaded and dizzy. This medication plays with my head and the whole world feels like it's going to tip over at any minute. But I gave it a few days and now feel comfortable with the situation. I know that God is in charge and I trust Him.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support!

xoxo
Tiffany

well maybe not yet....

I know that I said that I was going to end this whole blogging thing, but I thought there are some of you our there that might want an update on my health issues. There are probably some who don't, but that's the beauty of a blog; you don't have to read. :)

I had my weekly blood test at the hospital on Monday. They now know who I am. Isn't that fun? The nurses at the hospital know to expect me and I just wonder if that is a good thing. At least they are all very nice and they want me to get better. That being said, I told them to draw the blood that would come back in the negative numbers so that I wouldn't have to come back. They smiled and said "Okay". But we all know what that means. "Whatever", "Like we can control it". So, I prayed really hard that it would be a negative number.

I had great faith that it would be perfect! I was ready to move on with my life and so I waited patiently to talk with the other nurses on Tuesday, the ones that would tell me the results. She asked how I was and I couldn't respond. I didn't know how I was. :) I wanted the results before I told her how I was. Well....

They went up. Yep. The HCG level in my blood stream increased. That is bad. So, they wanted to start me immediately on the new medications that I would need. This is a type of chemotherapy medication. It doesn't make my hair fall out though, and I'm happy for that. However, as she was talking, I had a thought and it worried me. Could it mean that I was pregnant again? I didn't know. So I asked her. We talked about my cycle and other such things that nurses and patients talk about and she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me.

So, I could be pregnant. It is HIGHLY unlikely. That means that I had to make a decision. Start the medication immediately, which would abort the pregnancy if there was one. Or, do more blood work and see if that came back higher, which could indicate a pregnancy, do an ultrasound and then, if not pregnant, start the medication. I just wasn't comfortable starting a medication that could abort a baby, if there was any possibility that I was pregnant. Which means that today after school, I go back to the lovely hospital, to the nurse with the purple gloves and get more blood drawn. Downside is that I won't know any results until Monday.

I have such mixed emotions about this. I would love to be pregnant, but is that really healthy for me right now? Will it all work out if I am pregnant? And yet, once again, I have to rely on my Heavenly Father. If I am pregnant, than I believe it is His way of telling me that He is in charge, not me. Because it would have to be a miracle if I were pregnant. A very large one. I don't think that I am. It just doesn't make sense to me. So, more than likely come Monday, I will be scheduled for my first injection of the chemotherapy medication.

And with that said, maybe until this whole thing is done, I'll keep the blog so you can all read about my exciting drama and I won't have to tell it verbally. :)

Thanks friends!

The End...

I just wanted you to all know that this has been fun and exciting being a part of the blog world. But...I'm done.

I have so much that I wish to say in my blogs, but find that I don't have the right words or the ability to share my thoughts and emotions. So, I'm going to stick with my little black journal that doesn't understand my grammatical errors or my lack of vocabulary.

Thanks all for a fun ride and I'll keep up to date on your blogs. If you are interested in staying in touch, you all know my email and if you don't, then you'll have to send me yours.

Happy Blogging!