Journal of sorts...

I started this blog as a way to keep up on my journal. I do better when I can type it out, especially when I have a lot on my mind and I don't know who to talk to. I kind of got into the mind set, lately, that I needed to impress other people with pictures and stories of sorts. And I haven't taken the time to really write what I have been thinking or feeling. So whether this is something that you want to hear or not, I need to write.

Cory proposed on Wednesday night! I was so surprised and soooo soooo happy! He is so kind and good and I am so lucky to be getting married. I wasn't sure if the chance would ever come after ending things with Murphy. One of my fears was that I would never meet anyone and that Murphy was my one chance. Well, I am glad that I was wrong. :)

We "dated" a little in college, but it wasn't anything serious (in his mind). We lived near each other for about two years and were great friends. I wanted something serious, he wasn't ready. In reality I wasn't ready either, I just thought I was. We went our separate ways and I hadn't heard or seen anything of him for almost five years. Murphy came along and that ended. (I don't really want to go into details of that). Then Cory found me on facebook, and it has been amazing ever since. We have been dating this time for almost nine months and it has been a fast (most of the time) nine months. Sometimes I still get amazed at where life has brought us and that I am actually getting married.

A couple months ago, we started talking marriage pretty seriously, and knew that was what we wanted to have happen. I brought it up one Sunday with my family all in the living room, that we were thinking April. Dad said it wasn't the time to discuss it and that was that. I guess no one was ready to listen or they were somewhere else mentally. So, we kept discussing it between the two of us, trying to figure out how it would all work out.

In this time, Noelle met Jason. And I am so happy for the two of them. They are cute and happy and make a great match. I think they will be good for each other. And they have decided to be married on March 13. There have been so many emotions going on inside my heart. I just don't know what to think or to feel. Most of the time I just can't wait for her. I wanted to be there for her through it all. I have been planning weddings since I was probably like 10. And I couldn't wait to go dress shopping with her and help her pick a cake and plan flowers and colors and the whole shebang. But there is this little tiny part of my heart that wonders what I should do at this point.

Cory and I don't want to wait until summer to be married. There are the obvious reasons, that many of us have. Why prolong something that we know is right? Why give Satan more time to tempt us? Some of the other reasons seem small and inconsequential, but are so important to me. I am tired! I want to have the chance to stay home for a month if I want to, without having to travel to Ferron. Not that I don't like it there, just that I don't get things done. I want to be able to go to bed at 9:30 like I should, so that I don't get up grumpy at 5:00 in the morning. But after 9 is the only time to talk, because I don't have the money to pay for more minutes. I want to know that Cory will be there every day, and if I need him I can find him. And, plain and simple, I am just ready.

But there are concerns. I know there are. I understand the concerns. I worry about Noelle feeling like her day was hers and unique and special, and that I didn't ruin it for her by walzting in three weeks later with my wedding. I want family to feel like they can choose to come to both if they want to. I don't want family to worry about throwing too many showers or spending too much money on gifts too soon. I want mom to not worry. I want her to be happy and feel like she can stay here and not run away to Brazi. I want what I have always wanted...everyone to be happy. And I don't know what to do.

While two months isn't that much more to wait, it feels like an eternity. And April feels right. You know that happy, at peace, this is going to work feeling? That is what I feel about April. Am I selfish? I feel like I am. Am I pushy? I don't know. And yet, June doesn't feel the same as April does. I don't want anyone to be sad or hurt or offended or put out with another wedding in April.

All I can really do is pray. Heavenly Father knows and understands. Of that I am forever grateful. I just hope that everyone knows that I am trying to do the right thing and I am trying to make the right decisions. And really, I just want to make people happy. Please know that!!!