Tonight I feel the need to write in my journal. However, I don't really have a great journal, so I decided to write it on my blog. Interesting, that I would be okay with that knowing that it is available for all to read. It feels ok, because I don't actually have that many that read, and so those that do, please forgive me for being so personal.
I have been a bit emotional lately, and I am unsure as to why. But tonight, it has come to the surface once again. And so, I sit on my bed, typing this post while listening to my new favorite song. It's called Virtue, by Jenny Phillips. It speaks amazing peace to my soul. "I didn't come to earth to compromise, I came here to hold up my light. No matter matter what the world may do, I'm a daughter of God, and I'm holding on, to virtue."
I feel once again that I am on the verge of a breakdown when it comes to my ability to love me. There is a teacher that I work with that I think is absolutely beautiful! She radiates happiness and confidence. She looks classy and chic all at the same time. She accomplishes so much in her life and I admire her greatly! She is also very overweight. And I have never once thought negatively about her. So what makes it ok for me to be so negative about myself?
When did I buy into the idea that I was less than the world because I am a size 12? And sometimes a size 14. When did I decide that I wasn't worth buying cute clothes because I had gained some weight? When did I begin to think that it was okay for me to say mean things to myself that i would never say to anyone else? I can't seem to figure myself out.
"Because I am His daughter, I want my devotion to Him to be what they see. I don't need the attention of immodesty. I am confident in my divinity" That is what she sings. How do I find my confidence in my divinity? I don't really know, except to just keep praying. Keep listening to the Lord and the following the Spirit. I know that one day it will come. I know that one day, I will be at peace with myself.
"I am trusting in my Father, to magnify the beauty He has placed in me. I am confident in my divinity."
And my goal, friends, is to not only recognize that divinity and beauty, but to embrace it and stop abusing myself mentally and emotionally.
Thanks for listening.
A worthy goal, and one that a lot of people have I'd say. :)
ReplyDeleteI think you are beautiful. Outside and in. You're right that you're mean to yourself.. yet, I think most of us are. It really isn't fair either. You are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteWell you ARE beautiful. One day you'll see...just like the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteI love you just the way you are!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! I feel the same way--all the time. I wish I could just love me all the time. I am even in the same boat on buying clothes. I rarely buy anything anymore because it's just too much to find anything that looks decent in my size. You're wonderful--and you always look perfect. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! I feel the same way--all the time. I wish I could just love me all the time. I am even in the same boat on buying clothes. I rarely buy anything anymore because it's just too much to find anything that looks decent in my size. You're wonderful--and you always look perfect. :)
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