Complicated

Life is complicated. There are never really any clear answers. And just when we think we have it all figured out, something else happens. And we have to re focus and re center ourselves to find the peace again.

I met my ex fiance in September of 2007. We had emailed over a five month period and he came to the US to meet me. He was here a short time, and before he left, he proposed. Looking back, I don't really think that was what he wanted to do, or even what I wanted. There was pressure on many sides for him to propose before he left for Guatemala. It was a difficult relationship from the beginning. Cultural differences were big, the language barrier was hard and I never felt completely comfortable with myself.

He left toward the end of November with promises of returning in May. There was little communication between us at this point and it was hard to keep the relationship alive. I visited him in March and had a nice time, but once again there were some difficulties that were too hard for me to assimilate. I left Guatemala, once again with promises that it would be better when he was in the US. He ended up postponing the wedding until the end of June.

During that time, he postponed the wedding again, but came up for a visit during the time we were to be married. I had heard so little from him during this time that I really struggled with his visit up here. He was happy and after some time with him, I felt like it could work. But there were still many problems and concerns to work out. He left with the promise that communication would be better. It wasn't. I heard from him once in the first three weeks of his return to Guatemala. I was hurt and I was frustrated and I no longer knew that I wanted to be married. I didn't want to always take the back burner. I didn't want to be forgotten in our marriage, like I was in our courtship.

I offered a couple of times to live in Guatemala while he finished his school. That way we could be together and start our life together. The first time he said no. The second time, I found out he was no longer studying; working toward the end goal that he had promised me he would take place. I was devastated. We were to be married in December, but this time, I postponed things. I knew that I couldn't marry a man that I hardly knew and one who didn't make me a priority. That was a hard time in my life. A time of trying to move on, and feeling stuck.

It has been two months now since I ended the engagement. And during that two months, I have felt peace and happiness once again. I have been working toward making my life meaningful for me. I bought a house, with the help of my parents. I am working toward starting my masters degree. I even went out on a date. :) And I feel good.

But for some reason, it seems to come back occasionally. I feel that I have to justify my actions and my decisions. I have to re-explain what went wrong and why I made the decision that I did. I have to reassure those around me that I am praying. That I am studying my scriptures. That I am going to the temple. That I am seeking the Lord's will. That I don't mean to be mean. That I just want someone who will love me for me. Who will let me fly. Who will help me laugh. Who thinks for me when my brain turns all girly. And who understands that really, that's all I want.

Murphy is a good man. He taught me many things. He helped me to grow and change in positive ways. But he is not for me. And now comes the hope of someone new and learning and growing in other ways.