What do you say...?

What do you say, when your heart is full of 'stuff'? How do you put it into words? Especially finding words that anyone else would understand. That is the hard part for me. I don't have the writing gift that Noelle and Dad have. I get all mixed up sometimes between Spanish and English. So for me, writing can be a bit of a challenge.

This week has been a very big challenge for me. I have been "engaged" for a year and a half. My fiance hasn't been with me for 9 months. And earlier this week, he told me that he just wasn't sure 'the trip up here was worth it'. That broke my heart!!! I have to be honest and tell you that I wasn't the nicest person to him either, not after he said that. And I said some hurtful things also. But my mind can't get over the words 'no se si vale la pena...' In my heart, I only feel that I wasn't worth it to him. That somehow, I'm just not enough.

I emailed him and told him that maybe if it wasn't worth it now, it never would be. And until he was here, living, ready for a relationship, I was going to move forward. And today, it feels like instead of moving forward, I am just moving backward. All I can think about is the past relationship; the one with Cory, before Murphy. I keep praying that I can keep my mind from thinking about him, because that one hurt, too. And I can't help but wonder if I will 'ever be worth it' to someone.

As I started my school day, I wasn't in the mood to be with kids. I longed for silence. Time to think. Yet, I realized as they were singing 'la camisa negra' in their monotone voices and with their shaky Spanish, that they were just what I needed. They gave me the ability to laugh today. And to think of somthing else. They were the perfect cure for my sad heart. And I am thankful for that. I am glad that today has happened. I am glad for students who are quick to support and just love me, even though I am fiesty and quick-tempered.