on being a mom

I'm a mother.

I'm a mom.

Sometimes I find myself repeating it over and over again.  At times if feels so unreal.  Like I had something that I lost and yet it is staring me in the face.  Not having Winn home with me is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I hate leaving him alone in the NICU.  I know he isn't alone, but he's not with me.  I wish I could change his clothes and his diapers.  I can't wait to swaddle him and feed him and cuddle him.  I know he is in good hands and that he couldn't survive without the NICU right now.  I still can't wait, though, for him to come home. 

Sometimes I feel such guilt and such sadness over my inability to carry my pregnancy to term.  I see my little man and want so much to keep him safe and protected; the best place for that was in my womb.  I used to get angry at pregnant women because they could get pregnant.  Now when I see them I start to cry.  I wish that I could still be pregnant, because then I know that my little guy would still be growing safe and sound. 

I don't know how I could do any of this without the knowledge of the gospel principles.  I don't know how I could survive without the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and Brother, Jesus Christ.  They have filled my heart with peace when I needed it and comfort during the difficult times.  When I really start to doubt, I know that I can rely on the knowledge that there is plan for all of us.  Winn came when he was supposed to.  I have to hold onto that.  I have to trust that it was his time, because with that knowledge comes the surety that he will be okay. 

Winn is such a fighter.  He is overcoming so much, so fast.  He is teeny tiny and yet he amazes all in the NICU with his abilities and his strength.  He even lifted his head today and looked around to see the different things to see.  I am so proud of him!  I love him so much!