my story...

I have been waiting for weeks to tell everyone that I was pregnant. I was so super excited, but figured it was safer to wait until I had my doctors appointment, and the chances of miscarriage were lower. But boy was it hard not to tell everyone. I had been waiting for what seemed like forever to be able to be a mother. But, I was teaching myself patience.

The pregnancy was hard for me, but in different ways than a normal pregnancy. I was in constant pain. Not a harsh, impossible pain. But a small, consistent pain in my lower abdomen. I was worried that something wasn't right. I asked Heather and Mom questions all the time. Trying to convince myself that this was what Heather and experienced and that it was all okay.

Thursday night I called Heather in tears. I was exhausted and tired of pain and wondered what I could take. I had been spotting a bit and worried that I had lost the baby. Heather was good to me. She convinced me to calm down, take a bath, take a Tylenol, and do another pregnancy test. I did all the things she told me to. The pregnancy test came back positive, I took the Tylenol and tried really hard to relax.

The next day at school, I was almost done with the day, when I realized that I was bleeding. A lot. I called in a panic and asked Heather what to do. I left school and came home and showered and lost it. I knew that I had lost the baby. I called Heather again, poor thing, and she told me that she would call our doctor (we go to the same doctor that delivered us). He told her it might still be okay and that I should go in on Monday.

Monday, they informed me that they needed to do some blood tests, to decide what was happening with the pregnancy. I cried all the way to the hospital. I cried all the way home. I cried all night, except when I gave in and ate ice cream. Then I cried some more. It was a rough night.

I had to leave school early again the next day, cause the doctor wanted to see me. He informed me that I was experiencing a molar pregnancy. Simply stated, this is a tumor growing in place of a fetus. It doesn't have to be dangerous, but if left untreated can be. It can spread to my other organs and if that happens, it would require chemotherapy.

Fortunately, they caught this early and by Wednesday, I was in surgery. It wasn't a difficult procedure, many women do this. But when I woke up, the reality hit that I wasn't pregnant, that I wasn't going to have a baby and that it would be months before I could start trying again. I wanted to cry, but didn't want the nurses to worry.

The rest of the day was spent with Becca. Sweet, lovely Becca that took such good care of me. I sat on her amazing couches, covered in a soft cuddly blanket, with a space heater blowing on me, watching all the old Star Wars movies. Oh, and sleeping three times throughout.

Today, I feel better than I did when I was pregnant. The constant pain is gone. The heaviness is gone. The worry is gone. I know that God is in charge. I know that there is a purpose to all of this. I don't know what that purpose is, but I trust Him. I trust that I will one day have kids. I have been blessed with an amazing family that loves and supports me. I have been blessed with sisters that are my best friends and that I couldn't live without. I have been blessed with a husband that is sweet and kind and that treats me with tenderness and kindness. I have been blessed with a dad and brothers who are willing to give me a blessing when my husband wasn't at home. But mostly, I have been blessed with the knowledge of my Savior who helps me carry the burden and pain of this situation. I couldn't do this without Him at my side.

Thanks for all your love and your support. I love you sisters! I love you mom and dad.