life's journey...

Do you ever just feel like you are going through life, without really knowing why? Sometimes I feel like I am in a world very similar to The Truman Show. I wake up every morning, knowing that during the day, I will probably do the same things I did the previous day. There might be some small changes here and there, but in the big scheme of things, I just do what I do, over and over. That isn't necesarily a bad thing; I do enjoy my life and the things that I do. I feel that I have accomplished many things and am grateful to my Heavenly Father for so many wonderful blessings. I just wonder if there is more that I am supposed to be getting or doing. Am I really all that I could be?

I have been engaged for over a year now, and there is no progress being made in our relationship. He is in Guatemala studying for the bar, and I am in Utah being a teacher. There is very little deep, meaningful communication between the two of us, and it causes me to wonder a lot about our decision to marry and the future. I have seen him for three weeks over this time period, and that just doesn't seem to be enough for me. And yet, we keep going. What more should I be doing in this relationship? What more could he be doing? So many times, I feel empty inside, like I have no more to offer. And that brings on so many other emotions and feelings that I don't even understand myself. Is this the right thing? How do you really know if he is the one? Oh, the decsions that we have to make...they seem so easy before you have to make them. And then one day, you're faced with a decision that will affect you the rest of your life, and you just can't seem to make it. So, you pray more and ask that you will know what to do...and then...you wait.

During that wait time, you think an awful lot. What is it you want in life? What are your personal goals, and are you reaching those goals? I worry that I have forgotten to live my life for me. To do those things that I have always wanted to do. To be alive and vivacious. To enjoy the little things that happen to me. I have focused so much on getting married and making him happy, that I forgot along the way to focus on the other aspects of my life at the same time, and make myself happy. I have yet to find that happy medium, but I think that I am getting there. The biggest step for me is to not worry. I'm not sure that is possible for me, but I remind myself an awful lot not to worry, and maybe that is going to be the first step. The next step is to not lose myself in the journey. To simply love myself and to just be me.

And so, as I begin my day, I hold a prayer in my heart for myself; that through all the drama and the difficulties, I can remember that life is good. That we are here for a reason and that we will find that reason; but we have to be true to ourselves in order to find it.