Tiff's Place

2012-01-13T18:44:00.002-07:00

Every once in a while, I have to humble myself to the point that I admit I just simply can't do it anymore. "It" being life. It hurts too much and it just seems to heavy. This has been a really difficult week and a half. If I remember correctly, every day for my half hour commute has been spent trying to dry the tears so that I can drive. Every morning during that drive was spent pleading with my Father in Heaven to forgive me my lack of understanding and patience. All while trying to know what the spirit is trying to teach me.

There have been days that I didn't think I could go to school and put on a happy face. I just didn't have the know how or strength to cope. I have longed to sit with a sister and ball like a baby and have had to hold back. I have yearned to go to the farm and spend time with my very wise father, but even that wasn't possible. I ache to sit in grandmas house and have her tell me that all will be okay because she received that witness. Yet every day passes the same. I get up, cry, drive and cry and pray, get to me classroom and cry some more, then wipe my eyes and pretend that life is good and teach my students.

What it all boils down to is that I am broken. Sometimes, my heart literally feels like it is in a million different pieces. It hurts so bad that I feel that need to hold it in place while trying to stop the tears. Even though I am broken, I am reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me when I hear this song or think of the lyrics.

Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things

And yet our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving

This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me

Praise His name, my God loves broken things.

And with that I end with the hope that God will continue to love this broken daughter of His.

2012-01-05T15:11:00.004-07:00

El otro día leí algo en Facebook que me hizo sentir muy triste. Realmente, no pongo mucha importancia en las palabras, pero en el sentimiento de las palabras. Me sentía muy triste, porque yo estoy causando a una persona sentir mal. No lo hago con proposito, pero lo estoy haciendo. He estado pensando mucho en esta persona últimamente y quiero mandarle un mensaje. Tal vez nunca lo leyerá. Tal vez nunca sabrá lo que siento o pienso. Pero, siento que es importante escribirlo. Por esto, escribo en español – él habla español.

He tenido a dos personas en mi vida que amé. Uno que es de los Estado Unidos y otro que es de Latina America. Me casé con el hombre de los estados unidos. Y no creo que podría ser más féliz. Es un hombre increíble. Me ama mucho. Me cuida. Me escucha. Me enamora. Me ayuda. Me hace reir. No tengo duda que hice la mejor decisión casarme con él. El otro hombre todavía está en Latina America. Es un hombre muy especial también. También me hizo reir. Quería cuidarme. Quería hacerme féliz. Y todavía, le hace dificil entender la decision que yo tomé.

El día que leí su mensaje en facebook, me preocupaba mucho por el dolor que él siente. No quiero causar a nadie dolor ni sufrimiento. Lloré un poco al hablar de la situación con mi esposo. Quería hacer algo. Pero, lastimosamente, no hay nada que puedo hacer. Él tiene que decidir que estar féliz es importante. Él tiene que buscar a alguién que le va a ayudar ser muy féliz. Él tiene que mirar hacía el futuro.

Todavía hay días cuando extraño la vida que tenía. Las llamadas de un país extranjero. La oportunidad de compartir culturas. Las amistades que siento que perdí con la decisión que tomé. Siento una tristeza que nadie puede comprender. Pero, él y yo sabemos porque tomé esas decisiones. Y sé con toda mi alma que hice lo correcto.

Un día, según mis creeencias, tendré la oportunidad de saber porque fue importante para mi conocer a este hombre de un país extranjero. También tendré la oportunidad de hablar con él sin sentir incomoda o sin hacerle a él sentirse incomodo. Pero, hasta entonces, quisiera decirle que lo siento. Lo siento por el dolor que tiene. Lo siento que yo causé parte de este dolor. Lo siento que no haya encontrado más felicidad.

Siempre tendré una parte de mi corazón que es para él. Creo que sea la manera del corazón – cuidar un espacicito para todos los que amamos. Ojalá que un día, él puede encontrar este mensaje y puede saber cuanto lo siento. Y cuanto quiero que él tenga mucha felicidad en su vida.

Ojalá

2012-01-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

One day, I hope to be able to express all that I am feeling and thinking. Every time I come to write on my blog, I am weighed down with so much that I can't even begin to write clearly. Maybe with time, but for now, I leave you with thoughts of a happy new year and many blessings to come.

listening to my students giggle during Tangled makes me happy

2011-12-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we are going to the farm and we are looking for Christmas trees. This just happens to be one of the highlights of my year, every year. This year it brings with it some new memories. Last year at this time I realized that I wasn't going to be a mom yet. It was a difficult time in my life.

This year, I'm still not going to be a mom yet. The doctors are trying to help me and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. They are ordering tests and xrays and so forth. The xray went ok, but they found an endometriotic form near my uterus. Which is a blessing in many ways. It could expain why I am in pain for 12 - 13 days out of the month. Which is why I now eat ibuprofen like it's candy. It could also explain why those 12-13 days are spent as close to my house as possible, with no desire to do anything. I also think it's a heartache in some ways. It's another reason why I have not been able to get pregnant. Why the doctor might have to perform surgery before I can have a baby. And it makes me cry. A lot. Whenever I think about it. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. I don't like ultrasounds. They have never given me positive results. Then I wait until the 20th until I meet with the doctor again. This has been a very heavy year. A very sad and hard year. But amazingly, it's been a year of growth and learning. A year of looking for the positive (which is sometimes hard for me). A year of praying more and leaning on my Savior.

Every day I go home and turn the Christmas tree lights on and curl up in a blanket and sigh a big sigh. I made it through one more day. I love this time of year. I love the smells and the lights and the spirit that enters the heart. I am really looking forward to this Christmas season! And today, I get to help my sister put her Christmas tree up and help her to feel the joy of Christmas. All this and I got to listen to a room full of teenagers laugh and giggle through the movie Tangled. There are some things that are just priceless.

on being blessed

2011-11-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

At this time last year, I was in the beginning stages of pregnancy; hopeful and excited and nervous and happy. I can't believe that it has been a year since then. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. For many in my family, not just me.

In that year, I have undergone surgery, chemotherapy, struggled with depression, cried enough for ten women, and have witnessed many miracles and blessings. If we were to know beforehand what we were to experience, I don't think we would ever believe that we could handle the difficulties or the trials. I think it would be too much for our minds to comprehend. I think it's a blessing that we are given trials that we don't necessarily know about. Looking back, I can't believe I survived what I went through. And believe me, there were times when I didn't think that I would survive.

The hardest challenge for me through all of this has been to see the positive side of things. To really be at peace with the way things were turning out. I still struggle with that; maybe more than I should. I still feel that life is unfair. I feel that I am not quite complete. I don't feel happy much of the time. But there are times, when I can see through all of that depression and know that I have been truly blessed.

My husband has been so kind and so patient. He typically gets the worst of the worst. And he still loves, cherishes and comforts me. My family has been supportive and understanding, even when they can't understand. My students have been a blessing because I can forget about the difficulties for the day and focus on them. The Savior has carried me more this last year than ever. He has always been on my side cheering me on. The Spirit has been there to comfort and love even when I didn't feel that I deserved that love. My mom has let me cry and complain and has never once been impatient. My sister Heather is much the same. And they still love me.

The doctors have finally decided that it's okay for me to try to have a baby again. They have finally agreed to help me fulfill that desire. I still don't know the outcome or the journey that I will have to take to be a mother. But I know that in the end, it will all be what Heavenly Father has planned for me.

I feel blessed today.

Hero performed by Michael Israel in New York

2011-09-22T11:15:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all those that work so hard to protect us and our country!

face to face

2011-09-16T11:34:00.000-06:00

Have you ever just wanted to be able to talk with Heavenly Father, face to face?

I have so many questions. Concerns. Fears. Aches. Sorrows.

All I really want is for someone to tell me who I am supposed to be.

How to get there.

What I need to change.

And, can they draw a picture that represents all of that?

I'm a visual learner.

I don't do well with the unknown.

And right now, I am so tired of the unknown.

So very tired.

And so begin the tears.

and then....

2011-09-14T14:35:00.000-06:00

I got these.....

I sure love my husband! Thanks Cory for being the best there is! I don't think I really deserve you...I love you!

One year older...and wiser, too?

2011-09-14T11:31:00.000-06:00

Today is my 32 birthday.

In our church we sing a song that goes something like this...

Well, I can't seem to remember how it goes, but it includes "one year older and wiser too, happy birthday, to you"

I only hope that I am wiser too, becuase I know for sure that I am one year older.

It's been a pretty normal day so far, except for the giant cupcake that was delivered to my classroom.

Plus, I gave myself a gift.

I brought my puppy to school with me.

Birthday's are good, and I'm happy with the results thus far. :)

Now if only the cupcake were real.....

blue shirt boy

2011-09-13T11:22:00.000-06:00

Today I called a kid "blue shirt boy".

My students think that I am a crazy person.
This has been the hardest year yet for me to learn names.

Some of the more common names I have been using are....

"necklace girl", "red sweatshirt boy", "soccer girl", "football boy", and so on.

I just don't think it's fair that they make me fill this many seats, five times, and expect me to remember their names in a month. It just can't happen.

At least, not with my inability to remember things. I swear, my memory just gets worse and worse.

Maybe I'll take Jaden's advice and call everyone Shanikwa. What do you think?

La Adictiva Banda San Jose De Mesillas - "Te Amo y Te Amo" Video Ofici...

2011-09-04T21:45:00.000-06:00

Do you know how much my husband loves me? A lot. You see, he doesn't speak Spanish and I do. He loves to listen to musica ranchera and I don't. (that's a style of Latin American music, if you didn't know).

Sometimes, when he is driving around for his job, he does that a lot, he listens to musica ranchera. And he absolutely loves this song. So the other day, he asked me, "what does te amo mean?" I said, "it means I love you". So he started to sing the chorus to me. But that is all that he knew from the words. He could mimic the rest, but he only knew the words "te amo"

So, I started to look on my phone for one such song, and couldn't find it.

Then, tonight, he started looking for it, without any encouragement on my part. He found the song and yelled from the living room, "this song is dedicated to you".

It was the first time that I had heard it and I loved it. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, it is simply put, a very sappy love song with a fun tune.

I just wanted to share with you what my husband shared with me. I sure love the guy!

Laura Story - Blessings

2011-09-02T07:45:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, in the morning, I have to listen to this song about 20 times in order to feel like I can do one more day. Today life is heavy...So, the listening has started.

I hope you all have a wonderfully happy Friday!

sympathy tears

2011-08-29T11:19:00.000-06:00

My dear sister Noelle is having a hard time. She just gave birth to a beautiful little Angel named Emily. Little Emily came with some unique struggles of her own. At week one, she had to undergo heart surgery. Week two, she had to learn how to drink from a bottle so that the parents could take her home. And she had to find time in all of that to grow and develop and learn and survive this big, new, scary world.

Noelle is like any mother...she wants only the best for her little one and she wants all the world to love her little one. Noelle is recovering from surgery and she is struggling with post pardum depression. She is trying to figure out how to work and be so tired she can't think straight. She is trying to understand her emotions and get them back to they was she remembers they are supposed to be. She is trying to learn the ropes of being a mom, while not stressing about bills and insurance and work. And really, she just needs sleep.

I am not a mother. I don't know what the emotions are that a mother feels. I can't find the right words to say to Noelle. Yet, I can tell her that the emotions will level out. The pain will go away; physically and emotionally and spiritually. The routine will begin to make sense. The prayers are heard and will be answered. And the little one that she loves so much will be loved and cherised by all, because she is just what I said, an angel.

This one is special and she has a mission in this life. We don't know what that mission is, but it's a miraculous one. I look forward to watching as mom and daughter grow together and work at becoming what they are meant to become. I sure love them both!

And Noelle -
please have jason bring me your laundry and I will do it! I'll iron and fold and clean as much as you want!

2011-08-24T20:31:00.000-06:00

Today was good; tonight was difficult.

That was the opening line in my journal tonight. And as I wrote, I just cried. And then I thought of the one place on earth where I always found peace and the one person who could always talk me out of a funk.

That place is dear to my heart, and yet it holds some good memories and some bad. I've written about "the farm" before. Tonight, I long to go on a drive with my dad and head to the farm. I long to tell him about my future plans and my dreams and the path I need to take to get there. I long to help him build his dream barn and talk till I'm blue in the face.

You see, dad was just so good at letting me talk. I could ask questions about anything and he would answer; sometimes we would discuss religion, sometimes politics, sometimes school, sometimes history. But it didn't matter. I could talk. And I would magically forget all the hard things and I would leave the farm happier than when I got there.

I miss those days. And tonight, how I wish that I could be there....

Sweet Girl

2011-07-22T15:59:00.001-06:00

Cory came home the other day and told me that he loved me.

I asked him why. (just for fun)

He smiled and said, "because you're my sweet girl"

I can go on that for weeks. I love my husband!

June 4

2011-06-20T13:39:00.000-06:00

Did you know that I told you I would write a post about my anniversary. Now that it has been 16 days since, I am posting. ;)

First, I just want Cory to know how much I love him. He has been the best husband and the kindest husband. The sweetest, gentlest, bestest husband that a girl could ever ask for. He has been so gentle with me through this whole molar pregnancy process and I am so blessed. He cooks most nights, he empties half the dishwasher all the time, he does laundry when it needs to be done, and he never complains when I cry. It can't get any better than that.

Cory bought me some beautiful roses that morning and wrote me the sweetest card. He really thought of all the details and was so attentive all day.

We spent the day driving to Manti, to go through a session in the temple where we were married. In my mind, there was no better way to spend our day than in the place were it all happened. We sat in the temple and just felt the spirit and remembered that happy day. It made me love him even more.

It may not have been the most exciting anniversary ever, but it was certainly the best. And it ended with a small slice of our wedding cake we had frozen the day of our wedding. It was perfect!

I love you, Cory!

emothional but grateful...

2011-06-08T07:12:00.000-06:00

This morning I am full of emotions. I can't help but wonder where they are coming from, but then I remember that I am a girl...it doesn't matter. They just come.

My mind has been on my sister, Noelle, a lot lately. She has had such a difficult pregnancy and has really struggled to find peace, I think. Her little Emily has some heart problems and the emotional roller coaster that she is on is oh so scary. I can't even comprehend the heartache that she feels for her little one and the desire to fix it. All I know is that I pray for her daily and often times multiple times throughout the day. I don't think she likes me a whole lot right now, I'm not sure how to fix it, but I know that I sure love her. And I know that she will be a great mom and I can't wait for the Lord to fix this one and allow her little Emily to grow and develop and live a strong happy life.

I watched a movie last night about a boy that had cancer. I shouldn't have. I don't think that I was emotionally ready for that. I bawled. And bawled. I didn't have the difficulties that so many have, but I know how hard chemo is and I know that it is scary. It brought back so many emotions that I have lived the last 8 months. Fear, hurt, pain, sadness, joy, loneliness, and even frustration. But it was such a sweet, tender movie and it made me realize that God is in charge and becuase of that, all is right in my world.

A girl from my masters program announced yesterday that she was three months pregnant. This was a shock to me, becuase just a few months ago, she was stating how she didn't want to be a mom and that she wasn't planning on having kids for years and that I was crazy for wanting to be pregnant. Oh how it frustrated me that she is now pregnant and I am not. I know that I shouldn't look at it that way, but I'm not perfect. I also know that my turn will come...when the time is right. But boy how I wish that was now.

Today is my last day of teaching for the year. I am more excited than you could possibly know...unless you're a teacher. I can't wait for the high school kids to be gone and to not have to think about them or see them for two and half months. SIGH! That sounds so peaceful. And crazy enough, I am looking forward to another year. To next year. Already. I'm nuts!

Life is good. I am so blessed! I have an amazing husband! We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary on the 4th (post to come) and I just love him so very much! I'm happy and healthy and looking forward to the next new adventure to present itself.

Morning Musings

2011-05-19T07:54:00.000-06:00

I always have so much on my mind in the morning. Sometimes it's about family, sometimes school, sometimes church, and often about what I need to be doing to be a better person. I have more emotional experiences in the morning than at any other part of the day. I love being awake in the quiet and I love just listening to the Spirit in that quiet time.

Today, I have so many thoughts going through my mind. First, I don't have to visit with the doctor for another month. I am so very grateful for that. I feel like I am making progress. And with that progress comes the desire to try to get pregnant again. I know logically that I need to wait a few months, and will. However, I still want to have a baby. I just keep praying that Heavenly Father will let me know when the time is right.

I also think incessantly about my blasted thesis. I have to get it done and it is dragging. I feel so inadequate when it comes to writing. I don't have the same gifts as some of my family members for writing and it's harder for me to put down in writing all that is in my mind. But, I will get it done. This week. That's my goal.

My weight has really been bothering me. For so long I have been focusing on surviving chemo and doctors visits and such and I haven't really worried about it. But now that I feel so much better physically, I am concerned about the weight that I have put on and really want to deal with it. I keep thinking that this summer will be the time for me to really focus on myself. I look forward to going for long walks with my puppy and enjoying the sun.

School needs to just end. This is silly that we are in school for so long. Teachers don't get out until the 8th of June and that seems like forever away. At least we have rainy weather to keep the kids from climbing the walls and going crazy from being in the classroom. Yay for summer!

And now thoughts of my paper resurface and I think I better go work on it. :)

Happy Thursday All!

Tender Mercies

2011-05-04T07:16:00.000-06:00

I feel like I have been so blessed and so watched over. The last visit to the doctors was a good one. After the previous visit, which was positive, but still with chemo, it was amazing for him to tell me that my numbers were like .47 or something like that. And unless they decided to go back up, I would be done with chemo! There are some of you who might know what I am feeling, but for the most part, no one really knows how happy that makes me.

It has been three weeks since my last chemo and I feel better today than I have felt in seven months. I feel like myself again and for that I am eternally grateful. The Lord has been so good to me and has made my life so rich and full. And I am just so glad that I don't have to be sick and that I can now work on staying healthy.

As for having kids in the future - as soon as they give me the go ahead, I will try again. I've had two opinions from two specialists. One (who deals with this on a daily basis) says to wait about three months. The other (I'm only his second patient with this problem) says to wait about a year. I told him that I would be going with what the other specialist said. So long as my body remains healthy and strong.

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your love an support. It's mostly family that reads this silly thing and they have been so very good to me. I love you all and look forward to future happy news. :)

xoxo

I Would Die For That

2011-04-27T14:37:00.000-06:00

A dear friend of mine, though she may not know this, has touched my heart deeply throughout this process of mine. She is trying to have kids and is going through the long, grueling process of in-vitro, and I admire her strength and faith. Today, as I was reading her blog, I was deeply touched by the music video that she had posted. I know that there are millions of women who have more serious concerns and problems than I do, but this song touched a spot in my heart today.

I look forward to being a mother and I hope that one day, my dream will come true. That I can hear the words, "I love you mom".

Are we having fun yet?

2011-04-02T19:32:00.001-06:00

Blood test on Wednesday.

Met with doctor on Thursday -
he says that my levels aren't doing what he wants them to do. They only went from 91 to 85. And he was not at all thrilled with that.
so I need more treatments.

Went to school on Friday, and then off to my chemo treatments. This drug is call Dactinomycin. They pumped me full on anti nausea medicine before giving me the treatment and then put me on a regime of anti nausea pills every six to eight hours.

The symptoms are a bit different but not entirely. I am not too nauseous yet, but if I don't eat or don't take the medicine, I get sick. I have flu like symptoms, that leave me achy and sore all over. It caused another migraine, but just a little head-achy once I got rid of the migraine. The weirdest is the menopausal symptoms. I woke up last night every couple of hours dripping in sweat. Using my sheets to wipe it all off trying to stay dry. Kind a gross so I made sure to clean my sheets today.

I only do this every other week and I right now I am only scheduled for one more treatment. However, the doctor did say that this may take a few months and that my numbers will go down slower than I imagine. So, Heavenly Father is teaching me patience and that is probably a good thing for me. :)

Thanks for all of the kind words and the love and support. I am truly grateful for all that I have been blessed with and all that I am learning. This has truly been important for me to experience. I sure do love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They have been so good to me!

Yet another update -

2011-03-25T07:22:00.001-06:00

So I went to yet another doctor's appointment yesterday. I was full of mixed emotions. What were my levels? was the main question on my mind. Deep deep down, I felt that I was still not done with this whole process and that I would be waiting a while longer for the good news.

Well, when I started the process of chemo with this doctor, about a month or so ago, my levels were at 1700 ish. Then I did my first round of chemo and they went down to 295! Yay for the big drop. That day we started the second round of chemo and yesterday was the day I found out they were only down to 98. Now, the doctor did say that I have not yet failed this chemo. We are going to give it another week and see what my numbers do. If they go up, or if they don't go down enough (I don't know what that means), then we start the next round of chemo.

But the next round isn't just the same chemo. This one is called actinomycin. Stronger stuff, usually given intravenously. I don't know much about it, other than the fact that I might lose my hair. However, it really isn't a sure thing that I have to do this and so we can always hope that next week something will have happened with my numbers and I will be safe from more chemo. I guess we'll just have to see.

Most of the time I am ok with all of this. I feel at peace and comforted knowing that my Heavenly Father is in charge. There are moments when my emotions just get all out of control and I can't stop the tears. And there are oh so many things that trigger the tears. I feel so much for my poor husband. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me enough to put up with my tears and my ornery-ness. And I wonder if he thinks he should just walk away. Now, Cory has never said anything negative or mean. He has only ever showed love and kindness and patience. I just sense his frustration with my tears, my ornery side, and the lack of energy to do anything. I just want him to be happy. I hope he is.

Today, I am just going to do my thing. Teach my students, and then go home and do all of the laundry that I can and then clean the house the best that I can and then watch Betty la fea, cause I can. :)

new beginnings

2011-03-19T20:16:00.000-06:00

After a much needed break from the blogging world, I decided that I missed writing about my life. Mostly, I missed the emotional release that it was for me.

Life has been exciting, to say the least. I just finished my second round of chemotherapy for the treatment of my molar pregnancy. It just about did me in this time. I was in constant pain, due to one of the side affects. I was nauseated and couldn't eat much of the time and I was getting more and more migraines. My emotions have been wacked and I feel like more poor husband has gotten the rotten end of the deal when it comes to wives. I do have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday to go over the results of this last round and if we are lucky, then it will be our last. I guess we will see what happens.

As I have gone through all of this, I have realized that there are so many things that I miss in my life. Most of all I miss having the energy to do things. Exercise, go to the movies, write my thesis, help my family at the nursery, etc. I am looking forward to having the strength and the desire to accomplish all of those things.

Most of all, I think I miss the temple the most. I feel like I have missed out on that blessing for ages now. I long to sit in the Celestial room and ponder all that my Heavenly Father has given me to experience these last few months. My goal is to go to the temple this week and to really enjoy the Spirit that I have missed.

Thanks to all who are so supportive and strong for me during this trial in life. Thanks for the love and the friendships. Especially to my family. Mom and the sisters. All of them have been there for me at different times when I didn't think that I was going to make it through. I love you all!

xoxo
Tiff

Pity Party

2011-02-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am having a pity party. I don't really know why I'm crying and such. Could be that I don't feel well. Could be that I'm exhausted. But I think it's not that.

My sister finds out whether she is having a boy or a girl tomorrow. I think I'm crying because I would already know what I would be having. But I guess it just isn't my turn. I want to be a mom. But there are so many women that want to be mothers, and I guess we just have to wait our turn.

But I'm still just going to cry.

Blessings and little old ladies

2011-02-26T17:00:00.001-07:00

Today was day three of shots. I go in every day for eight days. Now just five more to go. If this doesn't work, I will then be given the stronger chemo. I feel yucky! I am nauseous and tired and for sure won't lose my hair with this treatment.

Today when I met the nurse at 8, there were about five other people there. I sat next to a lady that looked older than she was. We talked briefly about what I was there for and then I asked her what she was there for. She found out a couple of years ago that she had had cancer for eight years. The doctors were simply giving her more time. My heart ached for her.

At that moment, I felt very grateful that I didn't have cancer yet. That the doctors were fighting with me so that this didn't spread and turn cancerous. Heavenly Father has been so good to me and each day I need to thank Him for all that He has blessed me with and all that I am learning.

Thanks to all of you for your support and your love. I am very humbled to know that I have such dear friends and loving family.

xoxo

Hair

2011-02-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

I am meeting with a cancer specialist on Monday.

I'm not really nervous so much anymore as ready for some answers and ready to be done with this whole mess.

But, I am, by nature, a worrier. I tend to worry about things I don't really have any control over and it drives people crazy!

Today, I am worried about losing my hair. I have spent a long time growing my hair and I can say it's about the only thing physically that I like about myself.

This chemo I have to do might make that fall out. I don't know how I feel about that

But I guess if it takes care of the cancer spreading, than ok.

YIKES! I feel like I am too little to handle things like this.

Day 9

2011-02-16T07:35:00.001-07:00

My favorite blogs are.....

the anticipation is killing you, I know!

I'm getting there, I promise.

Actually, all the blogs on my favorites list are my favorites. But there are three that I read every day.

#1 http://plattbabysister.blogspot.com La Esquina de la Estrellita
-there is no one that makes me laugh harder than Manda Lou, my baby sister. I love her!

#2 http://noelleplatt.blogspot.com Because Nice Matters
-this sister doesn't need me to read her blog, cause she has so many other readers. But I do love knowing what is happening in her world and she writes so beautifully that I just can't help myself.

#3 http://mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com Viva la Vida!
- this blog inspires me! She helps me keep my life in perspective and to know that life is amazing!

Day 8

2011-02-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Did you know that I don't like getting my picture taken? I am far too critical of myself and end up hating them all. But I don't mind these two, so I can share them. The first one is the most recent, from this last fall and the second one is an engagement picture from spring last year.

not on the list

2011-02-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today I just need to write.

I had more blood work done. I went to the hospital today with high hopes. A week and a half ago I was at 620 something. I was hoping that they had gone down by half. I prayed. I put it in the Lord's hands. And I waited the three hours before calling for the results.

They went up again. 820 something, I think. I don't really remember. All I know is that I was shocked. What was going on? Again, the questions came to mind that always do...is it spreading? am I pregnant? what is going on? what is the doctor going to say?

After talking with my mom, we decided to call a different doctor and get his opinion. I talked with the nurse, told her the whole story and waited for her to call me. After only 15 minutes, she called and told me that it was out of the dr's hands and that I would need to see a specialist.

He's an OBGYN Oncologist. And the nurse says that he will take good care of me. I'm supposed to call them tomorrow. Apparently, I'm a high risk patient at this point.

I'm scared. I'm numb. I'm devastated. I'm sad.

Please keep me in your prayers. Maybe that's selfish, but I need prayers.

Day 7

2011-02-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big youtube fan, but occasionally, there are videos that make me laugh so hard I cry. I've shown this one before, but it's been a while. I love it. Everytime I see it, I laugh. Hope you enjoy!

Day 5

2011-02-08T07:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Crush -

The first time I saw you was the day that my roommate bought a TV that was too large for us to move into the apartment. You decided to help her and you carried it into the living room without any help. I thought you were so nice.

You lived in #8 and I lived in #3 (I think). We went to the same ward. We went to the same gym, often at the same time. (hm mm, coincidence?) We weren't in the same FHE group, and we were most definitely not anything alike.

We were OK friends. I was sure you had a crush on one of the roommates. It seemed you were always at our house. College was so fun, wasn't it? I loved the carefree feeling and the crazy adventures.

Then there was that night you stole my seat during the movie we were all watching. I wasn't impressed. I sat down next to you, and decided that it was you who had to move. If you'll remember, it was one of those chairs that you have to really like the person to sit next to them. You stayed. I stayed. You held my hand. You played with my hair. You stayed until WAY too late.

Then there was that night that you kissed me for the first time. I felt so excited and so scared at the same time. You see, if you remember right, you were a player. You didn't really want to be my boyfriend. You just wanted a kiss.

After a really long time like this, I realized you weren't ever going to change. I moved to Brasil. I needed time away and time to heal. I needed to be with my parents. I was there three months. What you don't know is that I thought of you every minute of every day. I was hooked. I even listened to a song that you think is dumb, but that reminds me of you every time I hear it. "If your not the one, then why does my hand fit yours, this way." Over and over I listened to that song. I even smelled the bottle of cologne that you gave me for my birthday. I was ridiculous!

I moved home and thought I was done with you. Then I went back to college and you were still there. I tried to avoid you. I failed. Then one day, at your new apartment, I told you that I could never see you again and I walked out.

And I never saw you again....until five years later. When I ended another engagement and a week later you looked me up on facebook.

And dear husband, I just want to say that I still love you the way I did in college and more. Can I just say that you are the best crush a girl could ask for! You make me smile and you make me happy and you are kind and patient and fortunately, you are no longer a player. :)

I love you!
xoxo

Day 4

2011-02-07T07:15:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I have very few pictures of myself that are actually scanned and on my computer. So, the ones that I have of me more than ten years ago are of when I was quite young.

This first one is taken in the backyard where I grew up, which is every little kids dream yard. And dad was the photographer. It was a slide at one point, so the quality isn't that great.

This next one, I am to the far left of the picture. You really do have to love the styles. We were having so much fun, but for the life of me, I can't remember what we were doing. :)

And finally, the most recent of me, but still just ten years ago, was on my mission. This is the typical dress of Panama and I had it made for me and then participated in their national dance for a talent show one night at the church. I was just leaving the mission a few short weeks later.

Day 3

2011-02-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

There are many movies that I could choose from, but this movie is my life. I absolutely love it! The song even has significance for me! Enjoy!

Day 2

2011-02-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

Well, here goes...don't be blown away too far with how utterly exciting my life is.. :)

7:00 - checked email
7:35 - got on facebook
7:36 - kissed Cory goodbye
7:40 - hid Micky's toys so I could write my paper
7:45 - brushed my teeth and cleaned the bathroom counter at the same time.
7:50 - got in the shower with Cory's ipod playing in the background (this doesn't happen too much cause I get up too early to play it.)
8:00 - got dressed
8:01 - updated my checklist
8:03 - combed my hair
8:10 - ate breakfast
8:05 - 8:45 watched parenthood
9:00 - opened thesis on the laptop and re-read to find where I left off
9:28 - stopped after writing a page and wondered if any of this made sense
10:45 - still writing but almost done with the first section of four for my lit review
10:55 - finished my first section and began reading article for the second section
11:33 - finished reading article and falling asleep so...\
11:34 - took a break and watched Betty la fea and ate lunch.
12:05 - cleaned kitchen and did the dishes while watching betty la fea
12:35 - started making cookies
12:40 - walked to Macey's cause I didn't have any brown sugar
12:55 - came home and finished making cookies. (just the dough, not the baking)
1:30 - started writing second section of lit review.
3:00 - kissed husband hello after working all day
3:45 - finished second section of thesis
4:30 - ate cookie dough and drove to the nursery to have family read the thesis
5:00 - looked at Jared's new inventory for his new store! So exciting!
5:30 - asked husband to make reservations at the rodizio grill
6:00 - 7:00 - ate meat, chicken, pineapple, veggies, meat, chicken, cheese bread, meat, cheese bread, and of course more cheese bread. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm!
7:30 - started writing blog
8:00 - begin reading for third section of the thesis.

Told you...you are so amazed at how exciting my life is, huh? School days are a bit more exciting! Have a good night all!

xoxo

Day 1

2011-02-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

Good morning -

My full name is Tiffany Beatrice Platt Worwood. I was born on September 14, 1979, which makes me 31 years old. I am the sixth of seven children and the only red head of all my siblings. I have been married for just 8 months and I love being a wife. My husband and I met years ago in college and were friends for two years or so, then reconnected by facebook. I never thought that would happen. I grew up in Pleasant Grove/Lindon and I still currently live in Pleasant Grove with my husband and my dog.

I graduated from high school in 97 and attended UVSC (a long time ago). After my associates, I transferred to Logan where I fell in love with Cashe Valley! I could live there and be perfectly content with life. During my years at USU, I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Panama. Panama will always be my home away from home, I think. I still dream of being able to go back. Upon returning home, I went back to school at USU and graduated with my bachelors in Spanish and a minor in Photography.

My parents were called to serve as mission presidents in Brasil and after graduating, I was lucky enough to be able to spend 3 months with them. It was a beautiful three months, and there are days when I long to be able to go back to that time. I came home from Brasil and decided to go back to school. Once again I found myself at USU, but this time I was studying Secondary Education and ESL. I graduated a year and half later with my second bachelors and my second minor. And promptly began teaching.

I have been teaching at Alta High School now for five years. I think for me teaching is a love/hate relationship. I love working with the kids, but hate their attitudes. I love getting home at 3:30, but hate getting up at 5:00. I love summers off, but I hate that I don't get paid so well. Teaching is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but the most rewarding. I love feeling like I am doing something for someone else everyday of my life. And every once in a while, I love knowing that I connected with someone and made the difference for them. I don't know that I want to teach the rest of my life, but for now, I am enjoying it.

Just last summer I decided to start my masters program. I am currently back at UVU and if this doesn't kill me, it will make me a better teacher. I love being in school! I love learning and pushing myself to do better. I love feeling like I am improving my teaching skills. I have been working very hard on the first three chapters of my thesis and if everything goes well, I will defend my proposal in the next couple of weeks.

While doing all of this, I found out two months ago that I was experiencing a molar pregnancy. I am waiting for my HCG levels to hit the negative numbers, so that I can stop going to the hospital for blood tests and hopefully not have any more low dose chemo shots. This has also been a huge trial for me. I have learned so much and continue to dream of the day when I can have kids.

The older I get the less social I become. I prefer staying at home and working on projects or reading a book. I love to read and sew and create. I also love to play with my puppy that isn't really a puppy anymore. Except that he still has the energy of a puppy. And I love to watch Betty la Fea; both the Mexican version and the Colombian version.

I love music and play the piano. I don't currently have a piano and would love to find one that needs a home, but for now, I listen to a lot of piano music and look forward to when I can play everyday. I also really enjoy going to plays. I don't so much like opera, unless I am very familiar with the story, like Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, or even The Lion King. But I especially love going to local play houses like the Hale Center Theater with my husband and enjoying a home town play.

As mentioned previously, I am a member of the LDS Church and am so happy for that. I love the Church. I love knowing that there is a purpose and a reason for all that we are experiencing here on earth. I love knowing that we have a prophet that leads and guides us. I love knowing that my Savior loves me and that He watches over me. I love the Book of Mormon and reading about the lives of those that lived during that time. I know it's true!

All in all, I am a happy person, who is very dramatic and very emotional. I cry at the drop of a pin, get riled up over silly things and love to be with family. I hope that you can get to know me better as I share my life over the next few posts.

xoxo

coming soon to a blog near you...

2011-02-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a friend posted this on her blog and she stole it from a friend that posted on a different blog. So, I am going to steal it, also. Maybe this will give me more exciting things to discuss. I'll do my best to do one a day, but it might be one every few days. It'll be fun!!

Day 1: Introduce Yourself
Day 2: A Bulleted List of Everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A youtube video that you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Freestyle
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of five celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Freestyle
Day 20: A letter to someone who changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Face morphing
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite Books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 31: More freestyle
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Funky Freestyle
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, houses, etc...)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

an escape -

2011-02-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said something that you shouldn't have? And looking back, you realize that you were acting like a child? You know that you only said what you were saying because you were hurting and you wanted to fix that hurt. So you tried to say something that would make it better, but it didn't. It only made the other person feel worse.

Every day I wake up and think that today the hurt will be gone. I pray hard and seek forgiveness. I pray for the spirit to be in my life. And then I pray that I will not hurt and that I can just be happy.

When I was younger, I could go anywhere with my dad. We would go to the Farm, Milbourn, or Fairview. It didn't matter. I just wanted to go with him. It was always so nice to just talk to him and work with him and realize that life was not that difficult. I haven't been able to do that for a long time and sometimes I just want to take a day off and go with him somewhere.

The most peaceful or healing of all those places was Brasil. There was one night that dad sat me down in their beautiful, immense home and talked to me about my past and concerns and hurts and let me know that he loved me and that I needed to move on. When I was done with traveling and being cooped up in the car, he knew and would stop and let me take some pictures. I loved Brasil. I healed from so many hurts there. And today, I wish more than anything that I could go with dad on a drive and be in Brasil without the worries and heartache of the day.

I'm sorry for saying things I shouldn't and for acting like a child sometimes. I hope that one day I can let go of this hurt and that it won't feel like my chest is going to cave in whenever I see a pregnant woman or talk about babies. Until that happens, I'll try to remember my peaceful place and hopefully soon will be healed from this hurt as well.

2011-01-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

The other day my husband and I were on our way to costco. We stopped and checked the mail, which I don't do very often, and there was a card. I wondered what it was, but when I looked at the address I just smiled. It was from my mother. I live in Pleasant Grove and she lives in Lindon. I see her almost every day. I talk to her every day. And she loves me enough to send me a card.

This was the sweetest card! Most importantly, she let me know that she was there for me. She knew that I would make it through all of this and that I was strong enough for this trial. She reminded me that we don't have trials that we can't handle. And then she made me cry. She said something like, "we'll go forward with faith".

She said we. I know that I have my mom on my side. I know that she loves me and that she will always listen and be there to support me. Just like she always has. Not all of you know my mom, but she is the most selfless, kind, innocent person that I know. She has always given whatever she had for her family. I love her more than life itself. I want her to know that. I want her to know that I am so blessed to be her daughter. I want her to know that she is my support.

Thanks mom! Thanks for all that you do! I love you!

xoxo
Tiff

Christofori's Dream

2011-01-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

Right now I am listening to my favorite song by David Lanz, Christofori's Dream. It takes me to a quiet, special kind of place. A place where there is no hurt, sorrow or sadness. A place that is warm but not hot. A place where there is ocean to look at. A place of serenity.

Today I need that place. I want to be anywhere but here. I want to forget the trials of life and just relish in peace, if only for a few days.

My heart is broken today. I don't know all the why's or how's. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to change. I just know that I am hurting.

I feel alone. Have you ever felt that way. I know that I have family and a husband that love me. And yet I am alone.

So, I am going to cry for just a few minutes, then get ready for the onslaught of students that will walk through my door in a little less than an hour. Best get ready for them.

update...a few days late

2011-01-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hey all, just wanted to give you a quick update. You have all been so good and kind and supportive. Thanks!

The results came back and as we suspected, I wasn't pregnant. That is a good thing, although I really wish I was and this whole thing would go away. :) So, Monday they called and told me the news and informed me that I would need to go directly to the hospital after school for the Chemo shots. They are a very low dose chemo and we are hoping that there won't be many of them.

They gave me two, one in each hip and can I just say YUCK! They hurt so bad! I felt like a big baby. Then next Monday I get more blood work done to check my HCG levels. IF they are in the negatives, then I won't have to do more chemo shots, unless they go back up again. IF they aren't a negative, then I will have to do more shots until they are down to a negative. As soon as the numbers stay in the negative and they don't rise for a few weeks, then I am in the clear. (I think). Doctors have a way of finding other reasons to see patients.

I wasn't in a good place Monday and most of Tuesday. I was angry and hurting and lightheaded and dizzy. This medication plays with my head and the whole world feels like it's going to tip over at any minute. But I gave it a few days and now feel comfortable with the situation. I know that God is in charge and I trust Him.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support!

xoxo
Tiffany

well maybe not yet....

2011-01-06T07:12:00.001-07:00

I know that I said that I was going to end this whole blogging thing, but I thought there are some of you our there that might want an update on my health issues. There are probably some who don't, but that's the beauty of a blog; you don't have to read. :)

I had my weekly blood test at the hospital on Monday. They now know who I am. Isn't that fun? The nurses at the hospital know to expect me and I just wonder if that is a good thing. At least they are all very nice and they want me to get better. That being said, I told them to draw the blood that would come back in the negative numbers so that I wouldn't have to come back. They smiled and said "Okay". But we all know what that means. "Whatever", "Like we can control it". So, I prayed really hard that it would be a negative number.

I had great faith that it would be perfect! I was ready to move on with my life and so I waited patiently to talk with the other nurses on Tuesday, the ones that would tell me the results. She asked how I was and I couldn't respond. I didn't know how I was. :) I wanted the results before I told her how I was. Well....

They went up. Yep. The HCG level in my blood stream increased. That is bad. So, they wanted to start me immediately on the new medications that I would need. This is a type of chemotherapy medication. It doesn't make my hair fall out though, and I'm happy for that. However, as she was talking, I had a thought and it worried me. Could it mean that I was pregnant again? I didn't know. So I asked her. We talked about my cycle and other such things that nurses and patients talk about and she said she would talk to the doctor and get back to me.

So, I could be pregnant. It is HIGHLY unlikely. That means that I had to make a decision. Start the medication immediately, which would abort the pregnancy if there was one. Or, do more blood work and see if that came back higher, which could indicate a pregnancy, do an ultrasound and then, if not pregnant, start the medication. I just wasn't comfortable starting a medication that could abort a baby, if there was any possibility that I was pregnant. Which means that today after school, I go back to the lovely hospital, to the nurse with the purple gloves and get more blood drawn. Downside is that I won't know any results until Monday.

I have such mixed emotions about this. I would love to be pregnant, but is that really healthy for me right now? Will it all work out if I am pregnant? And yet, once again, I have to rely on my Heavenly Father. If I am pregnant, than I believe it is His way of telling me that He is in charge, not me. Because it would have to be a miracle if I were pregnant. A very large one. I don't think that I am. It just doesn't make sense to me. So, more than likely come Monday, I will be scheduled for my first injection of the chemotherapy medication.

And with that said, maybe until this whole thing is done, I'll keep the blog so you can all read about my exciting drama and I won't have to tell it verbally. :)

Thanks friends!

The End...

2011-01-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted you to all know that this has been fun and exciting being a part of the blog world. But...I'm done.

I have so much that I wish to say in my blogs, but find that I don't have the right words or the ability to share my thoughts and emotions. So, I'm going to stick with my little black journal that doesn't understand my grammatical errors or my lack of vocabulary.

Thanks all for a fun ride and I'll keep up to date on your blogs. If you are interested in staying in touch, you all know my email and if you don't, then you'll have to send me yours.

Happy Blogging!

2010-12-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. This is my first year married and I am enjoying starting new traditions and being with my dear, sweet husband.

The part that I love the most about Christmas is the feeling that permeates the world. I remember one Christmas, in Panama, when I was really struggling with finding that Spirit. There was no family, no snow, no friends and I was terribly homesick. I went to the store, and with a little imagination, I bought some things to help me create Christmas.

I came home with red and green tissue paper and a box of blinking Christmas lights. I crumbled the paper into little balls and taped them on the wall in the shape of a green tree and red ornaments, with the lights blinking behind.

I didn't need any more. Somehow those lights and the silly paper reminded me of the real meaning of Christmas. I was able to sit with just those lights on and remember my family and what they had taught me about Christmas. It wasn't about me. It wasn't about gifts. It was all about serving and loving those around you.

I remembered all the years that we had a smaller Christmas so that we could give Christmas to those that we knew wouldn't get anything. Christmas was a feeling, a feeling of love.

And all it took was looking at those lights to remember that. And now, my favorite thing to do during the Christmas season is to turn all the lights out, turn on the Christmas tree lights and ponder. And there is so much to ponder this wonderful time of year.

I pray that each of you are able to find your own time to ponder. That you can find that sweet spirit that comes with the Christmas season.

xoxo

2010-12-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you how much I love my husband? He is so good to me. And so patient. And so kind. And so sweet. And so gentle. And so calm. And I love him so much today.

Not that I don't love him every day, but today my heart is just full. He is selfless and woke up early to help me jump start my dead car. Then he said, your tire is flat too, take my truck. The truck that was all warm and defrosted. The truck that isn't a stick. And he never complains or gripes. He just goes with what is thrown at him.

I wish all could be as lucky as me.

Never Alone

2010-12-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

This song explains how I am feeling right now. There are moments when I feel so empty. There are moments when I feel like it'll all be okay. And there are moments when I feel angry and hurt. Heather tells me that it's okay to feel this way. So does mom. They have been my support and my strength. But there are still moments when I just know that it won't be okay and I'll cry the rest of my life. I know that isn't the case, but it feels that way.

My sister announced that she was pregnant. And did you know that I am SOOOO excited for her? She will be an amazing mother. She is kind and patient and good. She is wise and strong. She has an amazing testimony of the Savior. And I sure love her.

Everytime I read her blog, I cry. When I think about her having a healthy baby I cry. When I think that I am supposed to be pregnant too, I cry.

I don't understand life. I don't understand the purpose to all that I am going through. But as the song talks about, it's okay as long as the Savior is there with me. And for that knowledge I am most grateful! I love my Savior so very much. I love knowing that he understands and that he can heal my hurt. And one day, that healing will come.

my story...

2010-12-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for weeks to tell everyone that I was pregnant. I was so super excited, but figured it was safer to wait until I had my doctors appointment, and the chances of miscarriage were lower. But boy was it hard not to tell everyone. I had been waiting for what seemed like forever to be able to be a mother. But, I was teaching myself patience.

The pregnancy was hard for me, but in different ways than a normal pregnancy. I was in constant pain. Not a harsh, impossible pain. But a small, consistent pain in my lower abdomen. I was worried that something wasn't right. I asked Heather and Mom questions all the time. Trying to convince myself that this was what Heather and experienced and that it was all okay.

Thursday night I called Heather in tears. I was exhausted and tired of pain and wondered what I could take. I had been spotting a bit and worried that I had lost the baby. Heather was good to me. She convinced me to calm down, take a bath, take a Tylenol, and do another pregnancy test. I did all the things she told me to. The pregnancy test came back positive, I took the Tylenol and tried really hard to relax.

The next day at school, I was almost done with the day, when I realized that I was bleeding. A lot. I called in a panic and asked Heather what to do. I left school and came home and showered and lost it. I knew that I had lost the baby. I called Heather again, poor thing, and she told me that she would call our doctor (we go to the same doctor that delivered us). He told her it might still be okay and that I should go in on Monday.

Monday, they informed me that they needed to do some blood tests, to decide what was happening with the pregnancy. I cried all the way to the hospital. I cried all the way home. I cried all night, except when I gave in and ate ice cream. Then I cried some more. It was a rough night.

I had to leave school early again the next day, cause the doctor wanted to see me. He informed me that I was experiencing a molar pregnancy. Simply stated, this is a tumor growing in place of a fetus. It doesn't have to be dangerous, but if left untreated can be. It can spread to my other organs and if that happens, it would require chemotherapy.

Fortunately, they caught this early and by Wednesday, I was in surgery. It wasn't a difficult procedure, many women do this. But when I woke up, the reality hit that I wasn't pregnant, that I wasn't going to have a baby and that it would be months before I could start trying again. I wanted to cry, but didn't want the nurses to worry.

The rest of the day was spent with Becca. Sweet, lovely Becca that took such good care of me. I sat on her amazing couches, covered in a soft cuddly blanket, with a space heater blowing on me, watching all the old Star Wars movies. Oh, and sleeping three times throughout.

Today, I feel better than I did when I was pregnant. The constant pain is gone. The heaviness is gone. The worry is gone. I know that God is in charge. I know that there is a purpose to all of this. I don't know what that purpose is, but I trust Him. I trust that I will one day have kids. I have been blessed with an amazing family that loves and supports me. I have been blessed with sisters that are my best friends and that I couldn't live without. I have been blessed with a husband that is sweet and kind and that treats me with tenderness and kindness. I have been blessed with a dad and brothers who are willing to give me a blessing when my husband wasn't at home. But mostly, I have been blessed with the knowledge of my Savior who helps me carry the burden and pain of this situation. I couldn't do this without Him at my side.

Thanks for all your love and your support. I love you sisters! I love you mom and dad.

2010-12-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

Grandma sat us down at the table, and began to teach Heather and I the importance of drinking water without swallowing. We both looked at her like she was crazy.

She took her glass of water in her had, and told us to watch her as she demonstrated. She then proceeded to take a small, very small, sip of water. When she finished, she asked us if we saw her swallow. I was the dumb one and Heather was the smart one. I said yes and Heather said no. Silly me.

The point, that Grandma was trying to make, is that you have to drink such small amounts that people don't notice you swallow. However, it is impossible to drink without swallowing. Grandma tried and tried to get me to understand that you can be a lady. And this was one way to do that.

I sure love that lady!

My dear Grandma

2010-12-07T07:24:00.001-07:00

Grandma Lucy passed away on Sunday. I didn't get to say goodbye. And in my heart of hearts, I know that she knows that I love her. But I wish that circumstances had been more forgiving and that I would have had the ability to be at her side.

Grandma wasn't always nice to everyone. Sometimes she said things that were hurtful and mean. I didn't understand that side of my grandma. However, I always knew that she was a wonderfully sweet, giving and wise woman. She and I had a unique relationship. I could talk to her about anything and she would council me and love me and let me know that I could make it through any trial.

When we were little, my sister and I spent quite a bit of time with Grandma. There are so many memories that come to mind. She taught us how to load a dishwasher correctly. She taught us how to make nurses corners on the bed. She taught us how to drink without swallowing. She taught us that it is always best to put butter and jam on your bread. She taught us how to be ladies. I used to think that her house was so magical, almost. It always looked perfect and clean. There were special vases and figurines everywhere. It was as if I was walking into a castle.

Lately, I didn't get to visit my grandma as often as I would have liked. I thought about her all the time. And wondered how she was doing. It seemed as if one thing always led to another and I could never make it to her house. Sometimes, I was jealous of my sister, because her job allowed her to leave when she needed to and visit with grandma.

Grandma and I would often talk when I would drive home from school. Either she would call or I would call and we would discuss our days and any news we had for each other. Sometimes I would cry as I told her my difficulties and trials. Then I would listen as she told me all that I needed to hear.

I know this isn't enough justice to my dear grandma. She deserves so much more than I can write. Again, I know that she wasn't perfect, but she was my grandma. And I will always miss her and love her. I am glad to know that she is with her loved ones and that she no longer has to live in pain and loneliness. And I know that one day I will get to see her again.

I love you Grandma!

Becky Kelley - Where's the Line to See Jesus?

2010-12-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

About the Song:

While at the mall a couple of years ago, my then four year old
nephew, Spencer, saw kids lined up to see Santa Claus. Having been taught as
a toddler that Christmas is the holiday that Christians celebrate the birth
of Jesus, he asked his mom, "Where's the line to see Jesus"? My sister
mentioned this to my dad, who immediately became inspired and jotted words
down to a song in just a few minutes. After putting music to the words, and
doing a quick recording at home, he received a great response from friends.
He sent the song off to Nashville without much response, except for a
Christian song writer who suggested adding a bridge at the end of the first
chorus. My dad then asked if I wanted to record the song to see what we
could do with it. I listened to the song, made a few changes to the words to
make it flow better, and we headed to Shock City Studios. It was at the
studio where Chris, owner and producer, rewrote the 2nd verse and part of
the chorus... with goosebumps and emotions high, we were all hopeful and
felt like we had something special. The demo was recorded in just under 2
hours and sent off again to Nashville... still no response. Then 2 weeks
before Christmas last year, my cousins Greg and Robbie decided to do a video
to see what we could accomplish on YouTube. The first day we had 3000 hits
and it soared from there. We received e-mails, phone calls, Facebook
messages from people all over asking for the music, CD's, iTunes,
anything... we had nothin'. After a couple of meetings with Chris following
the amazing response, we got serious. We headed back into the studio this
past spring... this time with guitars, drums, bass, pianos, choirs... the
real deal.... and here we are today. Getting iTunes set up, a website put
together, and loving that thousands upon thousands of Christians have come
together... remembering the true meaning of Christmas. Out of the mouths of
babes come profound truths that many adults can not understand. Hopefully
Spencer's observation will cause people all over to reflect on the love of
Jesus, and that one day we will all stand in line to see Him. We are most
thankful to our Heavenly Father to have this chance to share our music with
you. Merry Christmas everyone.

nothing new...

2010-11-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today I am exhausted! I couldn't stay awake in my car on the way to school. I slept once I pulled into my spot for about ten minutes. Then I got out of my car, walked the 20 steps to my classroom door, went in and promptly put my head on my desk and slept for another 30 minutes. I was out! Completely out! If a student had knocked on my door for me to unlock it, I wouldn't have heard. Come to think of it, maybe they did. :)

But, I have a light at the end of the tunnel. I have thanksgiving break next week and guess what...it's the entire week!!! I am so ready for this break. I have two papers to write. And a garage floor to paint. And a dress to make. So much fun!

Life is good folks. I have much to be grateful for. And I hope the same is for you in your lives.

Happy Wednesday!

such service!

2010-11-01T08:44:00.000-06:00

I have an amazing, kind, sweet and wonderful husband!

The other day I was mad cause his dumb work truck has to park in the garage and my poor little car has to sit out in the cold.

That means at 6:15 I have to scrape and thaw my car, hoping I won't be late for school.

All while my hands are freezing!

So, while I was getting ready for school this morning, he surprised my by waking up early, taking my keys, and making sure my car didn't need scraping. Then he started it for me so that it would be all warm and cozy!

I love him! more and more every day!

Thanks love!
xoxoxo

what do doctors really know......?

2010-10-28T07:32:00.000-06:00

First of all, Aunt Kriss, I am so glad that you are now a follower. I love family!

I have been struggling with migraines a lot lately. I don't really know why, except that my stress level has increased. And I get them around my cycle. That seems pretty normal, as I have talked with many women who deal with the same thing. However, it seemed more complicated when for about a month I had migraines twice a week or so.

Plus, I cry at the drop of a pin. My emotions are so out of control. Plus I have been having some extreme mood swings. One minute I am happy and energetic, the next I am angry and frustrated. I don't know why.

I thought maybe that I might be pregnant, but I'm not.

Then I began to think my hormone levels were off somehow. It just really isn't like me to be so off. In so many ways. I made an appointment with my OBGYN to see if he would test my hormones to figure out why I have migraines and all the other stuff.

Three minutes after coming into the room, he answered a phone call from his wife. "Yes dear, I'll be out in a couple of minutes", he said. He asked me if my periods were regular, and I said yes. "Then your hormone levels are normal. There is nothing else I can do for you, unless you want some medication for the migraines."

Thanks for nothing. Wouldn't even test me. I was so disappointed and frustrated. Now what? Another appointment with another doctor? I just don't know quite what to do at this point. Maybe I am pushing something that doesn't need to be pushed.

But have you ever felt like something wasn't right, and no one would believe you? That's how I feel.

Any advice?

Welcome!

2010-10-25T08:16:00.001-06:00

Hi just wanted to welcome Sandra as my newest follower. They don't come very often, so I love it when I get to say YAY!!!

Today is Monday, and I woke up at 5:15.

Then I brushed my teeth.

Got in the shower.

Got dressed.

Blow dried my hair.

Then my puppy looked so cute sitting there on my bed, that I crawled back into bed to cuddle with him for a minute. (Husband was too tired to cuddle)

Then I got out of bed at 5:55.

Then I packed a lunch. (Spaghetti squash and cheese)

Then I did my make-up, while watching Betty la fea.

Then I put on my shoes and grabbed my school bag.

Then I go in my car at 6:20 ish.

Then I forgot to put on my wedding ring.

Then I drove away and got to school and slept with my head on my desk for a good 20 minutes. Till a student knocked on my door and woke me up. Darn kids. ;)

Today is a monday!

toilet papering

2010-10-22T07:44:00.000-06:00

Do you remember when you went toilet papering last?

I do.

It was at the neighbors house.

After we felt bad.

So we helped them clean it up.

We are silly.

I woke up the other day, and realized I had been toilet papered.

I was slightly upset.

It is such a pain to clean up.

Especially when it was done by YOUR DOG!!!!

That darn animal! He loves to destroy my toilet paper.

Someday...
Somehow...
I will get even.

Modern-Day LDS Pioneers - Growth of the Mormon Church - 3/8

2010-10-22T07:21:00.000-06:00

I just want you all to know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. In all the turmoil and discontent in the world, there is peace in knowing that God loves us and the He has a plan for us.

I sit at my desk this morning, with tears in my eyes as I watched this video. My heart is touched by the strength of the members of the church. And in many ways, my heart longs to be back in Latin America, where I will always feel at home.

some thoughts...

2010-09-30T20:23:00.000-06:00

Tonight I feel the need to write in my journal. However, I don't really have a great journal, so I decided to write it on my blog. Interesting, that I would be okay with that knowing that it is available for all to read. It feels ok, because I don't actually have that many that read, and so those that do, please forgive me for being so personal.

I have been a bit emotional lately, and I am unsure as to why. But tonight, it has come to the surface once again. And so, I sit on my bed, typing this post while listening to my new favorite song. It's called Virtue, by Jenny Phillips. It speaks amazing peace to my soul. "I didn't come to earth to compromise, I came here to hold up my light. No matter matter what the world may do, I'm a daughter of God, and I'm holding on, to virtue."

I feel once again that I am on the verge of a breakdown when it comes to my ability to love me. There is a teacher that I work with that I think is absolutely beautiful! She radiates happiness and confidence. She looks classy and chic all at the same time. She accomplishes so much in her life and I admire her greatly! She is also very overweight. And I have never once thought negatively about her. So what makes it ok for me to be so negative about myself?

When did I buy into the idea that I was less than the world because I am a size 12? And sometimes a size 14. When did I decide that I wasn't worth buying cute clothes because I had gained some weight? When did I begin to think that it was okay for me to say mean things to myself that i would never say to anyone else? I can't seem to figure myself out.

"Because I am His daughter, I want my devotion to Him to be what they see. I don't need the attention of immodesty. I am confident in my divinity" That is what she sings. How do I find my confidence in my divinity? I don't really know, except to just keep praying. Keep listening to the Lord and the following the Spirit. I know that one day it will come. I know that one day, I will be at peace with myself.

"I am trusting in my Father, to magnify the beauty He has placed in me. I am confident in my divinity."

And my goal, friends, is to not only recognize that divinity and beauty, but to embrace it and stop abusing myself mentally and emotionally.

Thanks for listening.

Parent Teacher Conferences

2010-09-28T18:26:00.000-06:00

There aren't very many reasons that I like PT conferences. You have to talk way tooo much! Plus, there are only so many nice things you can think of to say about high school students.

-Your son is very enthusiastic. or I might really be thinking, does he have to bounce off the walls so much?

-I think that your daughter is so cute. or man she is soo high maintenance!

-You look just like your daughter. maybe you should dress like an adult.

Life as a teacher can be oh so difficult. happy thoughts, though.

This picture is just a small view of what I am looking at. Enjoy!

Tears?!?

2010-09-23T08:25:00.000-06:00

Have you ever cried for no good reason?

Today I cried when I listened to the song "virtue", sung by Jenny Phillips.

Then I cried when I read Noelle's blog about her stomach and Criminal Minds and such..

Then I cried when I read Nie's blog about her kiddies not liking it when she leaves.

Then I cried when I thought about how tired I am.

Then I cried when I read Amy's blog about the state fair.

Then I cried when I thought about speaking in church on Sunday.

And writing a paper for next Wednesday.

Then for not taking my dog on enough walks cause I have no time.

Then I cried when I realized that I have no good reason to cry.

These aren't tears coming down my cheeks and landing in puddles. These are tears that well up in my eyes and just hang there for a minute till I force them back in.

I guess it is bound to be a great day! I think it means that I am in need of some serious down time. What do you think? :)

Happy Thursday!

Homeade Bread

2010-09-20T07:29:00.000-06:00

When I was a little girl, I used to watch as my mom made bread. She did that often, as she had seven kids and we didn't ever buy bread. Plus, her bread was amazing! Neighborhood kids would come over all the time and eat my moms bread. Right out of the oven, butter and jam....

Yesterday, I decided to make bread. Little sister gave me the day off from cooking for Sunday dinner and so I had some time on my hands.

The smell as the bread filled my house was divine. It took me right back to mom's kitchen.

But the part I loved the most, was when I pulled out the crisco and the pastry brush. As I brushed the tops of the loaves, I was so grateful for a mother that taught me all that she did.

She would let me brush the tops of the loaves when I was younger. And that may not seem like much, but to me it was. Maybe that was her favorite part too, and she was letting me do it.

All in all, it certainly gave me a great desire to make bread on my own. To learn to cook as well as my mother. And can I just say that I love baking!

Thanks Mom! You're the best there is! I love you!

Listen to Gary Allan

2010-09-17T11:56:00.001-06:00

The Concert

2010-09-17T07:25:00.000-06:00

*sigh*

I love Gary Allan!

I think he is so good looking and cute and tough and well, I just like him.

He sang some of my favorite songs last night. Two of which I always listen to. One was 'Life ain't always beautiful', which isn't really as negative as one might think from the title. And the other was 'No Regrets'.

The last one he wrote about his wife. She suffered from depression and migraines and four years ago committed suicide. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for him to sing the song to a group of strangers. But I was sure glad he did.

He also made me realize that I really like certain men with tattoos. Not that all men should have a tattoo and I think women look silly with them. However, he looks good with tattoos and if I weren't opposed to them, I would have Cory get one, so he could look good with a tattoo also. ;)

For the next week or so, I am going to have a playlist of Gary Allan on my blog so that I can force you to listen to his music. But I promise to only put the songs on that I like.

All in all great night! I was in bed by 12:30 and up at 5:00. I'll be taking a nap today! Have a good one.

students

2010-09-16T11:55:00.000-06:00

Gary Allan - Tough Little Boys

2010-09-15T07:24:00.000-06:00

This is Gary Allan.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me! I get to go to his concert.

I have been in love with this guys songs since college.

And sometimes, his profile looks just like Cory.

I'm am super excited!

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

YAY!!!!!

2010-09-07T12:38:00.000-06:00

This is my sister Heather and her three little girls. They are mostly cute, but can be little trouble makers at times. Especially the middle one. In fact, her nickname is trouble.

I was fortunate to live with Heather and her little ones for almost two year while my parents were in Brazil. I learned from her what it meant to be a mother (as best as someone can do that without understanding what it means to be a mother). I loved her little ones more and more. And she was the one who made me want to be a mother. I have watched as she loved and struggled and learned and grew. And I mostly wanted to feel that love that a child and mother share. No one knows that love until they have their own children and I wanted to feel that.

Now that I am married, there is nothing that I want more than to be a mother. Sometimes people look at me crazy when I tell them that I am ready, because I have only been married for three months. But it's true. I am ready.

Today Heather was again so good to me as she taught me patience and helped me understand the Lord's timing. Being a mother is not just about me. It is about the Lord. It is about making sure that I am ready to help in creating this new life. I began to cry as we talked, because I knew that I needed to pray and let my Heavenly Father know that I was grateful for the chance to be a mother and for the lessons He was teaching me to prepare me for the right time.

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the gospel and that I have a loving Heavenly Father who is so willing to teach me and to love me.

Thank you Heather for helping me understand more fully.

2010-09-02T08:08:00.000-06:00

Remember him? He's cute huh?

I'm mad at him.

He wakes up every morning around 4:00 and begins running across my bed, jumps off and barks as he runs down the hall to get "the big bad whatever" that is outside and none of the world can hear but him.

I have to get up at 5:00 and that last hour is extremely crucial.

Really, it is!

And what really gets me is that he thinks he can just cuddle up to me after all that.

The nerve!

Maybe by tonight I will be able to forgive him. We'll see, my sleep is very important and the anger runs deep. :)

Silly Puppy!

2010-08-30T14:38:00.000-06:00

This is absolutely, positively my most favorite type of day! The weather is cold and stormy. The lightning is flashing. The thunder is booming. The raindrops are coming. And I LOVE it!

I got to school today around 6:45 and I was so excited for the weather that I had to take a picture of it. This is outside my trailer/portable looking at the football field. Looks menacing and stuff and I was giggling like a little girl.

Today was a good day! :)

School...

2010-08-23T07:10:00.000-06:00

I can hardly believe that it's that time of year. The summer flew by and I don't feel that I am mentally ready to be here. But here I am.

I am sitting at my desk, looking at my classroom hoping that it is put together enough.

The flags are all hung.
The theme is on the wall.
The calendar is up and ready.
I sprayed febreeze. (It really stinks in the trailers)
My pencils are sharpened.
And, well, I think that I am ready.

There are a few things I love about a new school year. I love the hope that I will be the best teacher ever. I love new school supplies. Especially colored pencils. That might be a bit weird, but it's true. I love them. So, I guess here goes. :)

Happy new school year to all.

Wedding Day

2010-08-17T14:16:00.000-06:00

We finally got the pictures back from our amazing photographer! She did an incredible job and I am so happy with the outcome. Here are a few pictures of our happy day.

Enjoy!

wanting

2010-08-06T18:12:00.000-06:00

Today there is only one thing I want.

And I can't have the one thing.

Everyone says it's a bad idea.

Life would be better if you would just give it time.

You'll be happier.

And all I can say is why?

What is so wrong with wanting?

What is so wrong with accepting change, even if it's challenging?

I can't seem to stop crying.

I hate today.

I'll be happy when tomorrow is here.

neglected puppy

2010-07-28T11:03:00.000-06:00

I have neglected my puppy since I started this masters program. Poor little fella only knows what it's like to go outside with Cory.

I sit in my little office and type on the computer.

He brings in his toys, puts them on my lap and just waits for me to play. If I don't do something quick enough, he will grab the toy, growl just a bit, then put it back and wait some more.

The other day though, he discovered reflections.

He HATES them!!!

And while I was sitting here typing, he found a reflection on the ceiling. He couldn't get it to go away. No matter how much barking he did.

So, he jumped and jumped, just like he was going to reach it.

And he kept jumping till he was too tired to jump anymore.

Then, as he panted and caught his breath, he just stood there and stared. Like the reflection was going to escape and he was the guard on patrol.

Eventually, I have to do something drastic to get him to relax...turn off lights, cover windows, distract him with a bone, etc.

I think he is the cutest little guy out there, although a little crazy. :)

my latest paper - Savage Inequalities

2010-07-16T14:28:00.000-06:00

Most of you probably won't be interested in my paper that is due on Monday, but you should be. I am going to post it here, so that you have an idea of what I am studying and doing all day every day. Hope you enjoy. OH, and if you see anything I should change, let me know. :)

“We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America” (U.S. Constitution). “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” (Wikipedia, 2004). All of us living in the United States have a right to believe in these words. All of us should be equal in the sight of all men. However, if we dive into actual conditions of some people within the United States, we will find that not all things are equal. Jonathan Kozol would have us look at the education system here in the U.S. as a prime example of the inequalities that do exist.
In his book, Savage Inequalities, Kozol opens a window for his readers to view what school life is like for children in Illinois, Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Washington, D.C., and Texas. In each of the areas that he visits, he discusses the physical surroundings, the squalor of the schools, and the lack of supplies given to teachers. And he compares all of that to schools within the same districts that for the most part live in grandeur and have all the supplies they can imagine. He discusses the system that the United States has for funding schools and raises questions about that system. Is it fair? Is it right? Are we somehow allowing certain students to slip between the cracks simply because they don’t live in the right part of town? As he progresses in his study, he states that his deepest impression
“was simply the impression that these urban schools were, by and large, extraordinarily unhappy places. With few exceptions, they reminded me of “garrisons” or “outposts” in a foreign nation. Housing projects, bleak and tall, surrounded by perimeter walls lined with barbed wire, often stood adjacent to the school I visited. The schools were surrounded frequently by signs that indicated DRUG-FREE ZONE. Their doors were guarded. Police sometimes patrolled the halls. The windows of the schools were often covered with steel grates…I was dismayed to walk or ride for blocks and blocks through neighborhoods where every face was black, where there were simply no white people anywhere” (Kozol, 1991, 4-5).

He states very emphatically throughout his book that these inequalities that we see in the public school system are due to racial issues that we have in the United States. The population of the schools that he writes about are predominantly non-white students; African American, Hispanic, Asian, etc. The question that he raises and that we should all be asking ourselves, is does it have to do with race? Are we segregating our schools knowing that some will receive a lower education than others? His ending statement is very thought provoking and leaves us wondering what we can do to solve the problems that lie within the education system. He states,
“one is struck by the sheer beauty of this country, of its goodness and unrealized goodness, of the limitless potential that it holds to render life rewarding and the spirit clean. Surely there is enough for everyone within this country. It is a tragedy that these good things are not more widely shared. All our children ought to be allowed a stake in the enormous richness of America. Whether they were born to poor white Appalachians or to wealthy Texans, to poor black people in the Bronx or to rich people in Manhasset or Winnetka, they are all quite wonderful and innocent when they are small. We soil them needlessly” (Kozol, 1991, 233).

As I read through this book, I was surprised at how little I knew about how the education system here in the United States works and the way that the funding is used and the differences between schools, even within the same districts. I have always kept myself separate from the politics of the education system because I felt less responsible somehow if I didn’t get involved. I appreciated his fortitude in studying these schools for two years of his life and finding out what really happens inside the urban schools within the U.S. I was, however, a bit uncomfortable with his idea that all of these problems or concerns are solely based on race. That race is the underlying factor in the way our schools are funded. I grew up in a community slightly poorer than middle class. The schools I attended didn’t have much in the way of technology or extra resources. We didn’t have fancy football fields or indoor swimming pools. I’m not saying we were as badly neglected as the schools he is discussing. We were far more privileged than his students he talks about. But, there were schools at the time that had much more than I did. They were given more class choices, smaller class sizes, better teachers. And even now, there is a great difference in the school where I teach and other schools within the state that don’t have as much as my students do. And yet, it is not based on race. It is based solely on the tax base of the area. I believe that there are disparities within the school system. But I would like to see more studies done on schools that are not racially segregated, to see if his theory holds true.
This book has opened my eyes to an existing problem that is new to me. It has created a desire within myself to do all that I can to assure that my classroom is a comfortable environment for all my students. It has increased my desire to be the best teacher that I can, so that students are given every possible hope for their futures. I have also gained a desire to be more involved politically in my career; to be aware of the issues in our country and to play an active role in making our education system equitable and fair for all.
I wish that all teachers would be required to read this book. I don’t believe that I am the only one who was or is unaware of what is happening in schools throughout the U.S. We have to decide if we are really in this career for the kids, because if we are, then something needs to be done. We need to find a way for all children to receive an equitable education. Whether they are poor or rich, black or white, female or male, it does not matter. What matters, is that they all receive an education that allows them to hope and plan for a bright future. As stated so simply and yet so powerfully, “education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world” (Nelson Mandela).

not so miserable... :)

2010-07-10T16:00:00.000-06:00

I have been sitting at the computer all day! i am trying to get the girls camp book done, papers written and emails sent. Let's just say I have neglected my poor husband. He came in to check up on me and asked how I was doing. I told him I was miserable. My back hurts like crazy, (cause I don't have a real computer chair).

He smiled.

Grabbed the bubbles.

Began blowing them.

And with the cutest grin said, "is it really so miserable now?"

I sure love him.

He makes me happy.

:)

Or maybe I am...

2010-07-07T14:01:00.000-06:00

I am dying. Not the literal dying, but an inner dying. My master's program is kicking my trash. I don't see my family. I'm not enjoying my summer vacation. I'm not going on bike rides or long walks with Noelle. I'm not planning a camping trip. I'm hiding in my house trying to get it all done. Only one more month to go and in that month I have six papers and five presentations. YIKES!! One day, I'll be back for real. I promise. :(

I'm not lost!

2010-06-18T07:36:00.000-06:00

Well, today is our two week anniversary and let me tell you, it has been a fast moving two weeks. First and foremost, we are happy and having fun. As fun as we can be having, with me starting my masters program.

We were married on a friday, had the reception on a saturday and left for park city for a very brief buy relaxing honeymoon.

We got back on Tuesday afternoon, and I was in school on Wednesday morning. I had no idea how much reading I would already be behind on and I had new readings that I had to do. It has been quite the adjustment going back to school, but I have sure enjoyed the classes.

I am taking multicultural education, research methodologies and 2nd language acquisition. So far they have been very rewarding and I feel really good about the decision to go back to school. It will most definitely be a challenge, but one that I think I can handle with the support of the Lord and a very patient husband. Who hasn't once complained about me reading too much.

Life is good!

engagement pictures :)

2010-05-28T07:24:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to share....

morning thoughts

2010-05-27T07:28:00.000-06:00

It's only 7:30 right now, but I have been awake already for two hours. The day starts early for me. Sometimes I feel so frazzled just trying to get ready for the day. Today, I am ready and have been enjoying some quiet time to myself. A friend came into my classroom and gave me a gift for my wedding. I thought it was so sweet of her to come today, cause she won't be able to make it to the wedding. Then I read Stephanie's blog that her husband posted on. Once again it brought tears to my eyes. After, I opened my email and read a few thoughts about memorial day and all that we have to be thankful for. And what it all boils down to is this:

Almost all people in this world are good and kind and trying to do their best.

The land we live on is sacred and God has blessed us greatly to be where we are.

Prayer heals hearts and allows us to become humbled enough to know God's will.

The Savior knows each of us and loves us through it all.

And really, life is good. Life is really really hard, but life is good.

I am so blessed. I am so excited to begin my journey as a wife and look forward to starting my own family. I am grateful that I have the gospel in my life. I am grateful to know that there is a purpose for this life. I am so glad that I have the family I do. I had a much needed visit last night with my sister and am grateful for her wisdom and strength. Many people say they feel like they are on top of the world. I'm not quite on top, but I sure am enjoying the journey up to the top. :)

kids are dumb!

2010-05-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

Today I woke up exhausted. I know that sounds familiar, but it's true once again. I woke up the day before at 3:00 am and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried reading for a while, but finished my book. Then I tried the scriptures, and still couldn't sleep. So, I did some laundry and by then it was 4:15. I just decided to shower and start the day early.

School was good that day as long as I didn't sit down. So I kept going all day. Cleaning and organizing for next year.

Today was harder. I was more tired and more ready for a break. But, again, I just keep moving and I am fine. The minute I sit down, I get really sleepy.

One of my students today said to me "maybe if you ate more cheerios, you'd be skinny too". I was teasing him for bringing a whole box of cheerios to class. Today, I'm too tired to work through that mentally. It really bothered me.

Then some other student told me that I deserved it for teasing him.

Then another student insinuated that I was a liar becuase I told another student that I didn't have any safety pins.

Don't they know I'm human? I mean really.

I think I'll go home and nap.

sweet ladies

2010-05-14T18:21:00.001-06:00

Last night my mothers ward, the ward I grew up in, threw me a bridal shower. I was so excited and nervous at the same time. I'm not sure why the nervousness, but I got over it pretty quick.

As the sisters came in, I was reminded of how much I love this ward. Each of these women played an extremely important role in my life. I see so many of them as other 'mothers' and each time I gave them a hug, was filled with such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

I told my mom last night that I was spoiled. And I am. Not with gifts or trivial things. I am spoiled with love. Friendships that will last forever, wisdom given by others, and pure goodness.

Thank you, dear sweet ladies, for loving me and for coming last night and for throwing the shower in the first place. Thank you for being so good and so wonderful. I feel so very loved.

xoxo

too cute!

2010-05-14T08:51:00.001-06:00

I love this wedding cake! I have a friend that just finished cake making classes, and being the amazing person she is, upon looking at the cake, she will maybe even make it for my wedding. WOW! How did I get so lucky! I hope she can make it. ;)

end of the year...

2010-05-13T14:30:00.000-06:00

what we do in class....

1. throw a ball at the clock.
2. talk about my wedding.
3. discuss the suits my students want to wear to the wedding.
4. throw the ball at someone.
5. eat chocolate.
6. laugh about the dumb things kids do.
7. learn some vocabulary
8. make some flashcards.
9. apologize to Jovan for the black joke :) (He is black and loves attention)
10. change out of my dress during lunch cause I just couldn't do it anymore.
11. go home.

oh I can't wait for school to be out.

the real deal...

2010-05-11T12:24:00.000-06:00

Guess what? Preparing invitations to send out makes this whole thing sorta real. I can hardly believe that it is happening. I'm ready! I'm ready for the whole thing. The hard times and the good times. I'm ready for him to be able to have a sleep over with me. And I'm ready to think about starting a family. I'm not so sure he is yet, but we'll get there. :)

So, all you who would like an invitation, let me know. I need addresses. :)

my own heartache...

2010-05-07T07:17:00.000-06:00

After a very long night of waking up over stupid things and not ever falling into a deep sleep, I thought to myself "it's ok, today is Friday." I can do 5:30 a.m. one more day, becuase it's the weekend.

I felt a little drugged as I stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I was so tired. Then I had a thought while brushing my teeth. I thought "it's been a week since you last weighed yourself, you should do that today". Why? What is the point? I literally get scared when I go to weigh myself. I dread it.

Today I weighed 6 lbs more than I did last week. Is that even possible? I eat mostly healthy. I am more careful than I should be. I try really hard to exercise regularly. And yet the weight just seems to be piling on. And really, this shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I am a little messed up when it comes to my weight. The family could confirm this for you. So, the struggle mentally began...

What did you eat?
How much did you eat?
What diet havn't you tried?
No DIETS!!!
But, how do I lose weight without a diet?
You promised Heavenly Father no more diets.
Don't you think He'll understand?
Is He testing me?
What am I supposed to learn from this?
Is is the birth control?
The internet says that is a myth.
But, why so much in one week?
Maybe you should just give up on food and stop eating.
That's the wrong answer.
But what do I do?
How do I just be happy with me?
What would the doctor tell me?
MY doctor would say, exercise more.
What does he know about me anyway?
Who do I talk to?
Why now? Right before the wedding.
Do I look horrible?
How come my clothes still fit?
I don't understand...

And really, that will go on all day. I'm heartbroken and devastated. I don't know how to fix this one. I just need to find happiness with me, I know. I am trying and maybe will get there one day. I guess Heavenly Father knew that I could handle this one. Hope He'll help me again, cause I can't cry when the kids start coming in.

My New Life

2010-05-05T07:35:00.000-06:00

Tears stream down my face today as I watched this very inspiring video of one of the most beautiful women. You will understand as you watch, and I hope that you will. Life is hard. For all of us. But the truth of the gospel carries us through and when you need it most the Savior is there. Thank you Stephanie for sharing your story and for reminding us all of the reason we are here.

The church is true!

The wedding announcment...

2010-05-03T11:39:00.000-06:00

aren't weddings fun?!? All the bride does is blog about wedding details and stuff. Why? Cause that is all I have time to think about. And you have no idea (or maybe you do) how excited I am for the day to be here and done so that I can start relaxing...

for a day or two

then I start my masters. I think I am crazy!!!

anyway... here is the announcement we are going to use.

enjoy. :)

p.s. if there are any errors, you should tell me before I get them printed. :)

small sample of engagement pics...yay!!!

2010-04-29T07:55:00.001-06:00

Thanks Michelle! I love them!

for information on the photographer, go to this webpage... www.rustybucketphotography@blogspot.com

the new cousins

2010-04-27T11:44:00.000-06:00

Quite some time ago, when I was in my early teens, we went to Pinto for a family reunion. This wasn't just aunts and uncles and cousins. This was cousins of my dad and their kids. So my second cousins. We had never met before.

One night, cause there isn't a lot to do in Pinto, we were all gathered in the pavilion type building playing games. I was sitting next to my dad, watching as they played dominoes. It was a pretty low key evening, filled with "do you remember when's" and "we used to's".

There was a kid sitting farther down the table from me, and I had no idea we were second cousins. Come to find out his name was Ben. Same as my brother. Who knew there were two Ben Platt's in the world. (I know, there are more, but I didn't realize it then.)

this is Ben

We all became great friends. Ben and Brandon and Nesha and Noelle and Becca and I and so on and so forth. We went everywhere together and participated in all the activities and stuff.

this is Brandon

(I have to admit that even thought a second cousing, I was young enough it was still ok to have a crush on Ben) Well, when the reunion was over, they went back to Wyoming and we went to our house in Utah county. We didn't really communicate a ton, but when it was time for Ben to go on a mission, we knew about it. So, Noelle and I drove to Wyoming to see him off. It was a blast! His family came to Utah when it was time for Noelle and Becca to leave on a mission. And through it all we were still pretty good friends. And when Ben came home, Becca and I drove back up to Wyoming and welcomed him home.

this is the family

Life happens and we haven't really seen or spoken to each other for years. I went to the funeral of my dad's aunt recently and saw Brandon and Nesha there, but neither of them remembered who I was. I am too shy and afraid of making myself look dumb, so I didn't say anything to them. I now, I'm silly.

But the point of all of this, is that the other day, I had the most random dream of Ben. I don't know why, except that maybe looking through pictures for the wedding video, I saw one of him and it brought it all back. I liked having new cousins. I liked that we got along great with each other. It's nice to have family. Maybe one day I'll run into them again and be brave enough to say Hi 'new cousins'!

dream vacation...

2010-04-16T12:40:00.000-06:00

Today, I want to be here. My dream vacation. Where I wanted to serve my mission. It looks so peaceful and beautiful and calm and everything that my world is not right now. So, away I go to dream of the day...

life

2010-04-13T07:18:00.001-06:00

The other night, Cory and I were praying. It was his turn. It was a nice prayer. But toward the end of the prayer, I could feel a sneeze coming on. So I did what we all do when a sneeze is coming. I breathed in really fast a number of times and then stopped the sneeze. Well, I noticed that he had started to laugh. He ended the prayer and I asked, "what are you laughing at?" He said, "I thought you were crying and I didn't know what I had said to make you cry".

********

Noelle and I went walking yesterday at the good ole PG rec. It was nice to catch up with my sister and be able to just have some girl talk. The best part is that we get to talk about whatever we want. Boys, periods, birth control, emotions, gossip, etc. We had a good time and got our muscles moving at the same time. Good times.

********

I almost called a kid a bad name in school yesterday. They were driving me crazy. I stopped myself just short of saying the actual word, but he knew what I meant. This last quarter is always a beast, cause none of us really want to be here. My goal: no swearing at the kids.

********

Micky is in big trouble with me. He stole my last hair clip from my bag today and ran up and down the hall with excitement. He knew he wasn't supposed to have it. And in the few minutes that he got away with this, while I did my hair, he was able to chew off all of the little stem parts that actually hold the hair in place. Sheesh, what to do. He is so rebellious.

********

I found out on Sunday night (when I checked my mail) that I had a letter from UVU. I was accepted into the masters program! I am so super excited. So starting this June, I will be full force into school again. I'm not sure how crazy this makes me, but I can't wait.

********

I did P90X last night and when I woke up this morning, the usual pain of having found unused muscles was back. I kinda like the feeling. Maybe I'll actually get some toning done that is wayyyyy over due. But it might kill me in the process.

********

I have a new favorite game. I lock my school door during my prep hour and I take a nap. It's so refreshing and I handle the kids better when I do that. I don't know how legal it is to sleep on the job, but I guess it's better than going batty. Right?

********

I'm starting to have a complex about my blog. I wish people would comment. A few faithful ones do and to you I thank! It's nice to know that people actually read this silly thing.

pink

2010-04-06T11:41:00.001-06:00

Do you know what I love about my wedding colors? (I chose pink and orange)

They are happy and bright
They make people say "WOW"
They look great outdoors in any setting

And I get to wear pink shoes with my white wedding dress.

I love my pink shoes. :)

imagination...

2010-03-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

Gone are the days of little summer dresses and big floppy hats. Sometimes when I see pictures of the past, I ponder what it would have been like to live 50 + years ago. Life seemed so simple back then. Don't get me wrong, I know it was hard. Working to support the family and trying to make money and so forth. But I think I would really enjoy the quiet that seemed to exist. No ipods, no loud speakers, no running around trying to get everything done "now".

I imagine taking time to visit with the neighbors over the garden fence as weeds were pulled. I imagine taking some warm bread to someone in need. I imagine reading a book becuase there aren't over 100 channels on TV to choose from. I imagine taking the kids to the park because the sun is shining and they need to get out and play. I imagine fixing dinner for my family. My imagination could go on, but I won't bore you.

I love this picture of my mom. It makes me happy and helps me to hold onto the things that matter and to DO those things that I imagine, not just imagine them.

Feelings of Joy

2010-03-26T13:03:00.000-06:00

I am very emotional today. I cry over every little thing. I cried when I read Noelle's blog. I cried when I thought about my wedding. I cried when I read about Nie and her family and friends. I cried when I thought about my life. I have been so blessed!

I love my life. It isn't perfect. It isn't always a pleasure, but it is my life. I have a physical body that is healthy and strong. I have a loving kind family. I have a fiance that loves me. I have a good job and finances are ok. I have the cutest puppy in the world. And I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.

When I think about all that I have been given, I realize that I have been very blessed. And even though there might be difficult parts of life, in all reality, it is good. It is invigorating to wake up to really cold temperatures. It is really happy to see the tulips and daffodils and hyacinths coming up. It is priceless to hold a new born baby. It is exhausting to be in the cub scouts, but rewarding to serve them.

And most of all, I love reading the Book of Mormon and knowing that it changes my life. I love kneeling down and talking to my Heavenly Father and knowing that He completely understands me. I love singing the hymns and knowing they will boost my spirits any day. I love being in my mom's relief society becuase they are amazing loving kind women. I love that I served a mission for the church. I love the gospel. I love that the Church of Jesus Christ is true.

Life is good.

I feel good.

And I think I'll keep letting the tears tell me that.

Me time

2010-03-19T09:17:00.000-06:00

After a couple of really hard weeks, I needed some me time. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew I had to get out.

So, I did what I love lots and lots...I went for a hike. It was the best hike I have been on in months. Probably becuase that is what I needed mentally. I love that there was still snow on the ground. I loved that there were very few people there with me. I loved that my puppy, although small, can pull me up the mountain. I loved that the waterfall was bigger than the last time I saw it. I loved that it was dreary looking, cause I don't sweat so much. I loved that I felt the burn in my calf muscles. I loved the spray from the river spraying up on me in certain spots. I loved that my mind was clear and free of all worries for an hour. I loved it!!

God knew what He was doing when He created the great outdoors. He knew that we needed time to escape the world and that we would feel closer to Him when we are out in His creations. He knew that yesterday I needed a boost and that I would get that outside. I love my Heavenly Father and am so glad that He knows me and that He provides for me in all aspects. He is good to me.

Not the best picture in the world, but that's okay. Still makes me happy. :)

today's thoughts...

2010-03-17T12:23:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else think that men stink in the morning? Sometimes it isn't so bad, but sometimes I just don't deal well with the morning "unshowered, un brushed teeth, smell". Oh how does one ever get married and survive? :)

I slept well last night. But I got to school and was still so tired that I closed my door and turned off the lights and took a twenty minute power nap. Of course all during my prep hour. I still feel groggy.

Although my students drive me crazy, they make me laugh. They say the funniest things. And even when I shouldn't laugh, I find I do more than I don't. No wonder they think that I am 'one of them'.

Cory thinks I spend too much money. I don't think he spends enough. I wonder if we are going to survive a marriage having such differences financially. That's a tough one!

I'm not sure why, but my peanut butter and jelly sandwhich made my tummy hurt. It tasted fine and I enjoyed every bit of it, but after was rough.

I need to call the photographer for engagements, bridals and the wedding date. Sorta makes the whole thing real, ya know?

I have a student from Iran who feels like the whole world hates him. Changing countries is soooo hard. I feel bad for him.

I'm making a quiet book, and sometimes I get so excited about it. I'm like a little kid.

and finally,

more kids are coming in and man do i just want to go home.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!!

The countdown begins....

2010-03-15T14:03:00.000-06:00

I am SOOOOOOOOO excited! I get to start planning my wedding and I can't wait. :)

So, here goes. 80 days from today.

Sounds like a long time, but I know it'll go fast.

I tried on my wedding dress last night and let's just say I am super ready to take bridals.

YAY for me!!!

understanding life...

2010-03-10T14:41:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here at my desk crying. It has been a really hard couple of days. I'm angry and hurt. And I don't have any answers. I just read my dear sisters blog about my grandpa and her feelings of love in her heart for him. She wants so badly for him to be at the wedding. I don't blame her.

I was then being selfish and thought how nice it would be to have a loved one from the other side wrap me in their arms and tell me that it would all be okay. That I was doing things well here and that they loved me. Often I have thought about my 'once upon a time twin' and wondered what it would be like to know her and seek her advice and feel her love. I wonder what she would tell me now about this whole Murphy thing.

How I long for my wedding day with Cory. How I wish that this bad dream would end and I could wake up just being worry free. Cory is good to me. I love that he is so kind to me and so understanding of this situation. I just hope that he knows how much I love him.

March

2010-03-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

Did you know that there are MANY holidays in March? I didn't. I was googling to find the day for St Patrick's day (yes I forgot), and this is what I found....

March 1st

* National Pig Day

* Peanut Butter Lover's Day

* Saint David's Day
Celebrated in Wales, UK.

* Share a Smile Day

March 2nd

* Dr. Seuss's Birthday
Born in 1904.

* Read Across America Day

March 3rd

* Doll Festival
In Japan.

* National Anthem Day
The Star Spangled Banner was adopted by Congress as the national anthem in 1931.

March 4th

* National Poundcake Day

March 5th

* Multiple Personalities Day

* Parachute was invented
By Da Vinci

March 6th

* Dentist Day

* Michelangelo Buonarroti's Birthday
Born on this day in 1475.

* Oreo Cookies for Sale
On Sale for the first time in 1912.

March 7th

* Telephone Patent Granted
In 1876 to Alexander Graham Bell.

March 8th

* Commonwealth Day
The Second Monday in March.

* Working Women's Day

March 9th

* Barbie's Birthday
Barbie Doll was introduced on this day in 1959.

* No Smoking Day

* Panic Day

March 10th

* First Paper Money Issued
Issued this day in 1862.

March 11th

* First Basketball Game
The first public game was on March 11, 1892.

March 12th

* Girl Scout Day
Girl Scouts founded in 1912.

March 13th

* Good Samaritan Day

* Uranus Discovered
By William Herschel in 1781.

March 14th

* Albert Einstein's Birthday
Born in 1879.

* Buzzard Day
The second Sunday in March, however it is celebrated on different days on different places!

* Casey Jones' Birthday
Born John Luther Jones in 1864.

* Daylight Saving Time Begins
Clocks move forward one hour on the second Sunday in March.

* Pi Day

* Potato Chip Day

March 15th

* Ides of March

March 16th

* Everything You Do Is Right Day

* Freedom of Information Day

March 17th

* Rubber Band Invented
In 1845.

* St. Patrick's Day

* Submarine Day

March 18th

* Birthday of Sparky the Fire Dog
Official mascot of the National Fire Protection Association (NFPA).

* First Walk in Space
In 1965.

* Johnny Appleseed Day
The anniversary of the death of John Chapman a.k.a. Johnny Appleseed.

March 19th

* Swallow's Return Day
The traditional return of swallows to San Juan Capistrano.

March 20th

* Big Bird's Birthday
Sesame Street Character.

* Bill Martin Jr.'s Birthday

* First Day of Spring

* National Quilting Day
Celebrated the Third Saturday of March.

March 21st

* Children's Poetry Day

* National Teen-Agers Day

* Single Parents' Day

March 22nd

* National Goof Off Day

* National Sing-Out Day

March 23rd

* Toast Day
Nellie Melba revealed her Melba Toast recipe.

March 24th

* Chocolate Covered Raisin Day

* Harry Houdini's Birthday
Born in 1874.

March 25th

* Greek Independence Day

* Pancakes First Made
First made in New York City in 1882.

March 26th

* Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

March 27th

* National "Joe" Day
Everyone who hates their name can be called Joe this day.

March 28th

* Something On a Stick Day

March 29th

* Passover Begins at Sundown

* Coca-Cola was Invented
In 1886.

March 30th

* Alaska Purchased
Purchased from Russia in 1867.

* Doctor's Day

* Pencil with Eraser Patented
Patented in 1858.

March 31st

* Cesar Chavez Day

* First Map of the US Published

* Tater Day

I especially liked that yesterday was Barbie's birthday. Plus, Noelle, you were free to panic all day yesterday for panic day. You can't panic anymore though. Even though you are getting married. By the way, all, you should check out her wedding video here. And if you are one of her followers, you should definitely become one of my followers. :)

And last of all, for all of you who are tired of hearing their own name, you just have to hold on a little loner until the 27th. Then you can change it for the day. I know that I am most definitley looking forward to not hearing "Miss Platt" for a day.

Happy March to everyone!

what a wierd day

2010-03-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

yesterday was unexpected. I woke up with energy and excitement. I can't wait to get married and be with Cory forever. I can't wait to wear my wedding dress. I was picking out songs for our wedding video and was so super excited to have Cory listen. I got home from school and ran a couple of errands and was on my way to take Micky for a walk when much to my... (I don't have a word), Murphy (my ex fiance) was sitting on my front porch waiting for me.

There were so many things going through my mind. I was sick. Sick to my stomach and close to tears. Oh so close. But I had to do my thing. Invite him in, ask about his family, tell him about mine, talk about the wedding date, etc. The conversation was ok, nothing out of the ordinary. I couldn't wait for Cory to get home so that I could escape. What did Murphy want? Why was now ok for two dozen roses and not when he proposed? Why did it take him three years, almost, to figure out what he wanted?

He talked about how difficult this was for him and that he didn't want to see Cory. Did he stop to think about how difficult this could be for others? He wanted to leave before Cory got there. That didn't happen. So he hid in my spare room while I asked Cory to go to the other room, so that Murphy could leave. Why? Are we in junior high, now? I was frustrated and hurt and sad and...hurt. Did I say that one already?

I drove Murphy to his brothers house where he is staying. (his brother married my friend). I told Sandy she should have told me. This isn't something you hide or keep secret. This isn't an exciting surprise. This was a dreaded moment.

I'm glad that Cory is so patient and understanding. I'm glad that he just gave me a hug and let me be astounded. I'm glad that he was there and that he came home from work when he did. I'm glad that I am marrying Cory. I love him. I love his goodness and his love for me. I love that he wants to marry me.

I love that my family is so supportive and so on my side. They are kind and good and understanding. They all agree that Murphy is too late. And I love that they agree on that point.

I fell asleep last night exhausted emotionally. I had bad dreams. I woke up and yelled out that I just wanted everyone to go away. Cory was still in the living room at this point, and he came in to make sure I was ok. He whispered in my ear that he isn't going anywhere. I wanted him to stay. He kissed me on the forehead and went to my parents house to sleep. I love him.

What a weird day...

things Cory does...

2010-03-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

He takes off his "itchy" clothes whenever possible for a tshirt and shorts.

*****

He always listens to his ipod, which contains ALL types of music.

*****

He buys me pizza and bakes it while I go to scouts and surprises me when I get home.

*****

He puts pringles on the banister so that I can have another suprise when I come home.

*****

He plays with Micky when Micky wants to be rough and I want to cuddle.

*****

He always scratches his head when he is watching tv.

*****

He laughs really hard during the office.

*****

He tells me I'm beautiful, especially when I need to hear it.

*****

He listens to Harry Potter books on his Ipod.

*****

He empties the dishwasher.

*****

He sleeps on the floor at my moms so I can sleep in my bed.

*****

He tells me I'm not fat even when I am.

*****

He tells me he loves me every day, sometimes twice or three times a day.

*****

He rolls his eyes when I am too emotional for him.

*****

He is good at listening and not trying to "fix it".

*****

He face paints Heidi's face.

*****

And best off all....he loves me.

Amanda Lou

2010-03-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Lou -

I think you are so cute! You are little and blond and just like one of the nieces. (at least in this picture). I'm glad you are my sister and I am glad that you are still cute. Love you.

Allie

2010-03-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

This is my grandma Allie. She was a beautiful woman! And when I see her picture, I have a hard time not wanting to really get to know her. She died in a car accident when I was just a baby, and so therefore I have no memories of her. I long for the day when I can talk with her and really come to understand the person that she was.

Every time someone tells me stories or shares glimpses of her life, I feel such a great love for her and who she was. She was patient and kind. She loved my grandpa very much and let him dream his dreams and pursue those dreams. She was an amazing mother and a perfect grandmother. She could cook and sew and served those around her. She gave her life as most mothers do to those she loved the most.

And while that is really all I know about my grandmother, I pray that one day I can learn more. I pray that my aunt will share her journals so that I too can understand who she was and is. I thank her for raising my dad to be the man that he is. I thank her for loving my mom as her own and for taking her into her heart. I thank her for the role that she plays in my life right now, even though she is not with me. I love her very much!